IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays more and more older people who need employment have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What problems does this cause? What are the solutions?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Recently, a growing number of mature workforce strive with freshers in the employment market for the same level or role.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 kind of competition raises serious impacts,
such
Linking Words
 as oversupply and broken salary ranges in the market.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine these issues and propose potential solutions.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, a variety of applicants of all ages
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 resulted in a workforce surplus. A job advertised on a university platform,
for instance
Linking Words
, can have many applicants from the same classmates, and the competition gets worse if it is open to a wider range of ages.
This
Linking Words
 issue is complex and
thus
Linking Words
 needs government intervention to solve it. One of the ideas is that the government should increase industrialisation for a better employment rate. They can ask a big manufacturing company to open a factory in the country
instead
Linking Words
 of distributing the finished goods only.
This
Linking Words
 solution would specifically help the older or the younger ones, but it will make the competition less tough since the demand from the employer increases.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, the compensation band could get lower as the freshers may accept a lower salary compared to the senior applicants.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon benefits the employer as they pay smaller costs, but at some point, the lower compensation can go downhill , and it would not cover the financial needs even for the younger groups. An alternative way to handle
this
Linking Words
 is that the senior ones should aim for higher roles. In order to achieve that, they have to prepare the skills needed for the position. Getting enrolled in an MBA,
for example
Linking Words
, may enable them to see the problems at higher levels. Not only MBA, but workshops
such
Linking Words
 as leadership or communication can
also
Linking Words
 help them to excel in the substantial skills for the managerial level.
Conclusion
In summary, workforce growth with the same demand causes several issues,
such
Linking Words
 as labour force oversupply and broken pay rates. To address
this
Linking Words
, the authority in the country should grow the job market with industrialization and the senior one should increase their capacity to achieve a better level of employment.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give two problems and two answers. To make your ideas stronger, explain more clearly how each answer will work in real life.
task response
The first problem is not fully clear. Many people applying for one job is normal, but explain why older and younger people competing makes this worse. For example, older workers may have more needs, while younger workers may have less work history.
task response
Your example about a job on a university site does not fit older people well. Use an example with both age groups, such as a company job where young people accept less pay and older people may be out of work for a long time.
task response
The idea of more factories can create more jobs, but it is too narrow. You could also suggest training for older workers, help for firms that hire them, or rules against unfair age-based choices.
task response
Your second answer is useful, but it mainly asks older people to move into higher jobs. Not all older workers can do this. Add an answer for people in many kinds of work, such as free skill classes or job support.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this form, but make the link from each problem to its answer more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words to name the two groups in the same way. Instead of changing between “mature workforce”, “senior applicants”, “older ones”, and “senior one”, use “older workers”. Use “younger workers” for the other group.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the main point is not clear. For example, “This solution would specifically help the older or the younger ones” should say exactly who it helps and why.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “this issue”, “this phenomenon”, and “it” when the reader may not know what they mean. Repeat the key idea when needed, such as “low pay” or “too many job seekers”.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence links and word choice. “Broken salary ranges” and “go downhill” are not clear here. Simple words such as “lower pay” and “pay that is too low for living costs” are clearer.
task response
You stay on the topic and deal with both the problems and the answers.
task response
The point about young people taking lower pay is a clear and useful problem for older workers.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part starts with a clear topic idea: too many workers in the job market, then lower pay.
coherence and cohesion
The ending brings back the main problems and answers, so the essay feels complete.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Intergenerational competition
  • Age discrimination
  • Adaptability
  • Hiring practices
  • Workforce diversity
  • Upskilling
  • Lifelong learning
  • Flexible working arrangements
  • Ageism
  • Technological proficiency
  • Productivity concerns
  • Diverse skillsets
  • Legislative protection
  • Employment equity
  • Biases
What to do next:
Look at other essays: