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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that it's a good idea to socialize with work colleagues during evenings and weekends. Other people think it's important to keep working life completely separate from social life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. JJ

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Introduction
Many
people
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 argue that during
evenings
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 and
weekends
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 is a good idea to
socialize
Change the spelling
socialise
show examples
 with
work
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colleagues
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, and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 argue that keeping
working
Replace the word
work
life
Use synonyms
 separate from social
life
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 is important. I believe that
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
 with
colleagues
Use synonyms
 is important to expand
work
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 relations and help in your
career
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's future.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both these views and explain my opinion with clear narratives.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, some
people
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 find it important to keep working
life
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 completely separate from social
life
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.
majorty
Correct your spelling
The majority
 of
people
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 find it comforting to have their own circle of relationships outside of
work
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,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
In other words
Linking Words
, they like to keep
boundries
Correct your spelling
boundaries
 inside
work
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amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 their
colleagues
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.
For example
Linking Words
, more women in today's world think that
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
 with their
colleagues
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 during
evenings
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 and
weekends
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 might signal them to break
boundries
Use the right word
boundaries
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
.
some
Capitalize the word
Some
show examples
 of the community members tend to find keeping their own social
life
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 away from working
life
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 important.
Body paragraph 2
One
Use the right word
On
show examples
 the other hand, the rest of the community members think it's a good idea to
socialize
Change the spelling
socialise
show examples
 with
colleagues
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 during
evenings
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 and
weekends
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.
Work
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 relationships can give you
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
many
career
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 benefits and
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 your social
skills
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.
In addition
Linking Words
,
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
 outside of
work
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 with
colleagues
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 and discussing other stuff grows your social
skills
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 and your
realtionship
Correct your spelling
relationship
 with your
colleagues
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become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 strong.
For example
Linking Words
,
From a
Correct determiner usage
from my
show examples
 previous
knowledge
Add a comma
knowledge,
show examples
 I found out how helpful
colleagues
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 can be if you
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 your relationship with them strong and close.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I find
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
 during
evenings
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 and
weekends
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 very important for
career
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 and social skill goals.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
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 find it very important to keep their social
life
Use synonyms
 separate from
work
Use synonyms
life
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, I believe that
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
 with
colleagues
Use synonyms
outsied
Correct your spelling
outside
 of
work
Use synonyms
 during
weekends
Use synonyms
 comes with many benefits and can help to grow your social
skills
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
show examples
 with
colleagues
Use synonyms
 outside of
work
Use synonyms
 is important to expand your relationships and help your
career
Use synonyms
's future and social
skills
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain each view in more depth. Say why some people need time away from work, such as rest, family time, and less stress.
task response
Your own view is clear, but it is repeated many times. Add one main reason for social time with work friends and explain how it can help at work. Also say that this should be a choice, not a duty.
task response
Your examples are not clear enough. The point about women and broken limits is too general and needs a full reason or a real work case. Use a simple, clear example for each side.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, one side, the other side, and end. Keep this shape, but make the first line more natural: 'Some people think that socializing with work colleagues in the evenings and at weekends is a good idea.'
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. For example: 'One reason is...', 'As a result...', 'However...', and 'For this reason...'. Do not use 'Therefore' after every point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word order and missing words. Keep sentences short and direct. For example, write 'Work friendships can bring career benefits and help people build social skills.'
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea again in the end. Your last two sentences both say that social time can help careers and social skills. Give one short final view instead.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and clearly state your own opinion.
task response
Your main ideas are linked to the topic, especially career help, stronger work ties, personal space, and social skills.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body paragraph focuses on one view.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as 'To begin with', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
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