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Band 3.5

Science and technical experts seem to be more valued by society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

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Introduction
The issue of whether science and technical experts are more valued by
society
Use synonyms
 than musicians and artists has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some
people
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 believe that science and technical experts are more important ,
while
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 others argue that musicians and
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
 are
also
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 valued .
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 should value all of them.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate for
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
 sciences and
technical
Replace the word
technology
 argue that it is essential for
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
.
For instance
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,if the
society
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focus
Correct subject-verb agreement
focuses
show examples
 on
improve
Replace the word
improving
 technology ,life will be simple .
In addition
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 ,science and
technical
Replace the word
technology
 are benefical on
people
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 live.
Such
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 as,on their health,education,and entertainment.
For example
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,if their is vairos speared on some countries,they can know the
medison
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medicine
 by technology.
Furthermore
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,if a student
sruggle
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struggles
show examples
 with some questions,she can see the
explantion
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explanation
 on her digital technology.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that musicians and
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
 should be
valuable
Wrong verb form
valued
show examples
 by
society
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 emphasise that it is not anyone can do it and it is difficult .
Moreover
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,many
people
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interested
Verb problem
are interested
show examples
 in music,which affects the economy .
For instance
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,if many
people
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 travel to
foreign
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a foreign
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countary
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country
 to attend
music
Correct article usage
a music
show examples
consert
Correct your spelling
concert
,the
countary`s
Correct your spelling
country`s
 economy will increase.
In addition
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,many artists
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 famous because of their knowledge about art.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there
ate
Verb problem
were
show examples
 valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 should focus on all of them.The seasons outlined above clearly
demonstrates
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demonstrate
show examples
 that each one has an
impotant
Correct your spelling
important
 aspect.

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task response
You answer the question and give a clear view: society should value both groups. However, say more clearly how far you agree. For example, you could say that science workers may be valued more for health and daily life, but artists are also very important for people and culture.
task response
Build each main idea with a clear reason and a fuller example. The part about medicine is useful, but explain how science workers help stop illness. The part about music shows money from travel, but also explain why art matters in daily life, such as joy, rest, or shared culture.
task response
Some ideas are too general, such as "life will be simple" and "artists be famous." Use clear, real details instead. This will make your answer stronger and more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make the first sentence of each body part state one full main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use "For instance" and "In addition" often. Make sure each one adds a new point. Do not give two examples in a row without first explaining the idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example: "Science workers are important because they help people stay well. During a virus spread, they can make and test new medicine." This order is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your end repeats your view, which is good. Make it more direct and do not add unclear words such as "The seasons outlined above." Say: "In conclusion, both science workers and artists should be valued because they help society in different ways."
task response
You discuss both science workers and artists, and you give your own view.
task response
You use examples about health, school, technology, music travel, and money. These are linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow your main plan.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "On one hand," "On the other hand," and "To sum up" help show the two sides and your final view.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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