IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achive anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Introduction
There are places in the world where children are told that if they want to make their dreams come true, they just have to work hard enough. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will express the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 message.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, I believe
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
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 important to
instill
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instil
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 a mindset into their kids that anything is possible. That if they are born with certain physical limitations that doesn't mean they have to give up their dreams.
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Therefore
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Therefore,
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 there are advantages if parents support their youngsters and encourage them to work hard and to not give up just because they experienced some disappointments. In my eyes, the problem or the disadvantage is that the youth of today
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
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 they can do everything
instead
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 of anything.
Unsurprisingly
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Unsurprisingly,
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 they
believes
Correct subject-verb agreement
believe
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 that whatever they set their mind
on
Punctuation problem
on,
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 they are supposed to succeed
on
Change preposition
in
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.
However
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, all of us are unique human beings and have qualities that we are born with and if we follow
our
Correct determiner usage
the
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 gifts we are born
with
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with,
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 we indeed follow our heart.
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Therefore
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Therefore,
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 the message of just working hard is
in
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, in
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 my eyes
misleading
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, misleading
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. Working hard is not enough, especially today
where
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, when
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 we are
replaced
Verb problem
being replaced
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 by AI.
On the contrary
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, I believe that the message is creating a mindset to
struggel
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struggle
 through
instead
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 of following our values and what is true for us.
Conclusion
Overall
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all
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,
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 I believe it needs a good mix of both,
while
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 the mindset of working hard is certainly boosting determination and resilience on one hand.
On the other hand
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, constant striving and producing can lead to pressure and
burn-outs
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burnout
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.
Therefore
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, a good mix is important, and to encourage our next generation
while
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also
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 allowing them to not be too hard on themselves.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. Give one clear good point and one clear bad point, then explain each one fully.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: hard work can build hope and strength, but it can also cause stress. Add a simple real-life example for each idea, such as a child who keeps learning after a poor test result.
task response
Be careful with very wide claims, such as AI replacing people. This point is not fully linked to children and their goals. Keep the focus on the message given by parents and teachers.
task response
Your view about values and natural gifts is interesting, but explain it more clearly. Say that children should work hard while also learning what they are good at and what goals are possible.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction, advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one direct main idea. For example: “One advantage is that this message can help children keep going after failure.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and contain many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences so that each sentence has one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “therefore” and “on the contrary” should show a clear link to the sentence before them. In a few places, the link is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating phrases like “in my eyes” and “good mix”. State your point directly instead.
task response
You address both the good and bad sides of the message, and your final view is clear: children need support, but they should not put too much pressure on themselves.
task response
The ideas about determination, not giving up, pressure, and burn-out are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body ideas, and a conclusion. The reader can see the general path of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “Firstly”, “Therefore”, and “On the other hand”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Perseverance
  • Resilience
  • Self-Esteem
  • Aspirations
  • Growth Mindset
  • Innate Ability
  • Unrealistic Expectations
  • Frustration
  • Disappointment
  • Pressure
  • Stress
  • Overwhelmed
  • Anxious
  • External Factors
  • Inherent Talents
  • Lofty Goals
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