IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, more and more people engage in dangerous activities, such as sky diving and motorcycling. Are you in favor of them? Use examples to support your opinion.

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Introduction
In the modern era, people like to spend time on
Use synonyms
adventures
Replace the word
adventurous
activities
Use synonyms
. Some individuals
are enjoying to participate
Wrong verb form
enjoy participating
show examples
 in
life threatening
Correct your spelling
life-threatening
adventures
Use synonyms
. I will discuss
this
Linking Words
 statement in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
show examples
 paragraphs
along with
Linking Words
 my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some individuals are trained in
Use synonyms
adventures
Replace the word
adventurous
tasks
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it is their favourite hobby. They like to spend their time in different
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 and take
risk
Check wording
risks
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, mountain biking, paragliding, rock climbing, etc.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they choose it as a profession and are perfectly trained. These
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
activities
Use synonyms
 generate confidence and
self esteem
Correct your spelling
self-esteem
 among them. These
tasks
Use synonyms
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 them physically strong, reduce stress, and develop
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
 skills.
For example
Linking Words
, during natural disasters, they are strong enough to help others in difficult situations
such
Linking Words
 as
flood
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floods
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, earthquakes , and
tsunami etc
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tsunamis
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.
Body paragraph 2
on
Capitalize the word
On
show examples
 the other side, participation in
Use synonyms
adventures
Correct word choice
adventurous
show examples
 actions
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 expensive because
Use synonyms
adventures
Correct word choice
adventurous
show examples
 locations are located in remote areas
then
Linking Words
 lots of travel, and
equipments
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equipment
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, these
tasks
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 are risky and create fear and stress among people because some individuals are got confident enough to do
.
Correct pronoun usage
them.
show examples
 These actions can cause serious injuries if
rules
Correct article usage
the rules
show examples
 are not followed accurately.
Additionally
Linking Words
, these events are
time consuming
Correct your spelling
time-consuming
 because travelling to remote
location
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locations
show examples
. These
activities
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 should damage
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
tourist
Check wording
tourists
show examples
 can throw
littering
Replace the word
litter
,
pollution
Verb problem
cause pollution
show examples
 and
cause to
Verb problem
harm
show examples
 natural habitats.
Conclusion
To
sup
Correct your spelling
speak
 up and offer my opinion, I believe that adventurous
activities
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 are not for everyone. Only those
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 perfect and confident can do so. There are other
activities
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as fishing, cycling, horse riding, and swimming etc are safe to do and not
life threatening
Correct your spelling
life-threatening
. People can choose
tasks
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according to
Linking Words
 their interests and
passion
Check wording
passions
show examples
.

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task response
Give your view more clearly at the start. Say if you are for or against these activities, and keep this same view in all parts of the essay.
task response
Your main ideas are useful, but some are not fully explained. For example, explain why training makes an activity safe, or how it helps people in a real hard time.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The list of sports is helpful, but one short example about a trained climber or bike rider would support your view better.
task response
Make sure each point answers the question. Some points about cost, travel time, and the environment need a clearer link to your opinion about dangerous sports.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, reasons for, reasons against, and conclusion. Your essay follows this plan, but the first line should state your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Start sentences with clear link words, such as “However”, “Also”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Do not put “on the other side” in lower case.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the second body paragraph, cost, fear, injury, time, and the environment are many ideas together. Split them or choose the most important ones.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear full sentences to link ideas. For example, change “then lots of travel, and equipments” to “People may need to travel far and buy costly equipment.”
task response
You give a clear final view: dangerous activities are not suitable for all people.
task response
You include both good and bad sides, such as confidence and health on one side, and injury and cost on the other.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link phrases, including “On the one hand”, “Moreover”, “Furthermore”, and “Additionally”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Adrenaline rush
  • Thrill-seeker
  • Personal growth
  • Self-confidence
  • Social interaction
  • Like-minded individuals
  • Skill development
  • Concentration
  • Coordination
  • Discipline
  • Risk management
  • Safety awareness
  • Mental barriers
  • Challenge
  • Stress-relieving
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