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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

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Introduction
Nowadays
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Nowadays,
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 individuals are arguing that primary
schools
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 pay a lot of attention to the formal methods of learning. I partially agree with
this
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 point of view,
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however
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however,
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 I think play is extremely crucial in the classroom full of primary students.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, formal learning plays an important role, since it teaches the
student
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 about being disciplined and respectful to everyone. Discipline and respect are two most important
skills
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 we need in our
life
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lives
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 that
schools
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teaches
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teach
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 us
in a
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through
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way
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 of formal learning. Getting into details, these
skills
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 make people succeed in their lives. If we look at the example of
successfull
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successful
 people
today
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today,
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 they all have these two qualities in common.
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Moreover
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Moreover,
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 formal learning helps us to test the ability of a
student
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 by conducting an exam in a formal
way
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, which shows us how much
has a
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a student has
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student
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 learnt and how much
is the
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the student is
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student
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 capable of doing.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I believe that too formal
education
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an education
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 is not the best
way
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 of learning. Considering the stage of
the
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apply
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life in which primary students belong, we need to
realize
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realise
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 that fun is a crucial part of it. Being extremely formal blocks
that
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the
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 fun from a
student
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's life. So
instead
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 of
schools
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 being strict about formal ways of
learning
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learning,
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 they should promote fun methods of teaching.
For example
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, mind games
other
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,
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 other video games, colours, paints and other activities will
also
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 teach
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student
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students
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 but in
a
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an
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 enjoyable
way
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. These activities will
also
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 promote the important
skills
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such
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 as social
skills
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, creative
skills
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 and other beneficial
skills
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 we need in our daily lives.
Furthermore
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, if we consider it
deeply
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deeply,
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 it will
also
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 prevent boredom and will motivate the
student
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 to have a passion for lifelong learning.
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last
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Last
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 but not
the
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apply
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least, play in the primary classroom has a huge importance on
it's
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its
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 own. which gives the
student
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this
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 freedom to enjoy learning.
Conclusion
In conclusion, formal learning has
it's
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its
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 importance
till
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to
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 some extent
but
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, but
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 sometimes it is a necessity to be informal. And
schools
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 should be focused
at
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on
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 both of the methods of learning.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. Your view is clear: formal learning matters, but play is very important too. To make your answer stronger, say more clearly how far you agree in the first paragraph. For example, explain that schools may give too much time to formal study, but it should not be removed.
task response
Your main ideas are useful, such as discipline, social skills, and love of learning. Develop each idea with a clear link: play activity → skill learned → why this helps children. For example, group games can teach children how to share, talk, and work with others.
task response
Some examples are too general. Replace broad words like “successful people” with a classroom example. For instance, use a maths game where children count objects in teams, or a role-play task where they learn new words.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: formal learning first, play second, then a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow. Keep this simple four-part plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences contain many ideas, so the meaning is less clear. Use shorter sentences and give one main idea in each sentence. This will make your writing smoother and easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” work well. However, “last but not the least” should begin with a capital letter and needs a full sentence after it. Also avoid repeating “formal learning” too often; use “this kind of study” sometimes.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion more direct. Restate your view and name the best balance: formal lessons for key school work, with play-based tasks to help children learn in a more active way.
task response
You give a clear personal view and discuss both formal learning and play, so the reader can understand your main point.
task response
The point that play can build social and creative skills is relevant and useful for this topic.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear focus, and the change from one side of the topic to the other is easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
You use a conclusion, and it returns to the main idea of balancing two ways of learning.
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