IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Doctors tell us that we can get all the vitamins we need from having a healthy diet. Despite this advice, some people continue to spend large sums of money on vitamin pills. Why do you think some people spend a lot of money on vitamin pills? How could people be persuaded to improve their diet instead of buying vitamin pills?

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Introduction
Vitamins
Use synonyms
 play a vital role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a healthy life. We can get all the
vitamins
Use synonyms
 we need from having a
healthy
Punctuation problem
healthy,
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 balanced
diet
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.
Instead
Linking Words
,
Some
Fix capitalization
some
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 Spend large amount of
money
Use synonyms
 on
vitamin
Use synonyms
pills
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Some
Fix capitalization
some
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 believe that they
don’t
Use synonyms
 get enough
vitamins
Use synonyms
 from their
diet
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. So, they spend more
money
Use synonyms
 on
vitamin
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pills
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. In fact, our body doesn’t need more than what we need. They believe taking
vitamin
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pills
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 on top of a healthy
diet
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 makes them
more
Rephrase
apply
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healthier without knowing the facts.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some
people
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don’t
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 like
fruits
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 and
vegetables
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they
don’t
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 get enough
vitamins
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. In
this
Linking Words
 case, with
doctors
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the doctor's
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advice
Add a comma
advice,
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 they spend more
money
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 on
vitamin
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pills
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.
Body paragraph 2
People
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Can
Fix capitalization
can
show examples
 get enough
vitamins
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 through a balanced
diet
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. They can get enough
vitamins
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 by eating more
vegetables
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 and
fruits
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.
Vitamins
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 are essential for all, especially growing children. Encouraging them
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 different tactics would make them eat
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
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.
For example
Linking Words
,
place
Wrong verb form
placing
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 colourful
vegetables
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 and
fruits
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 in a ‘face’ shape on their plate would attract them to try to eat. Teaching them from
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 young age to eat healthy foods
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 necessary for a healthy life.
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
Linking Words
, awareness should be
create
Wrong verb form
created
show examples
 about our diets and health.
People
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 can get ideas and knowledge about
vitamins
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 by watching videos and reading books that are relevant to
vitamins
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 and
vitamin
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intakes
Check wording
intake
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
people
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 should be aware that taking
vitamin
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pills
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 without
doctor’s
Correct article usage
a doctor’s
show examples
 advice is not
advicable
Correct your spelling
advisable
. Having said that, yoga can
also
Linking Words
helps
Wrong verb form
help
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 a person to eat healthy.
People
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 whoever practices yoga in daily life
said
Wrong verb form
say
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 that, after
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
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yoga
Punctuation problem
yoga,
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 they cannot put any unhealthy foods on their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, we can get enough
vitamins
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 by eating
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
diet
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 like
vegetables
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 and
fruits
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. Children should be encouraged from
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 young age to consume
vegetables
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,
fruits
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 and milk or milk products (if they are tolerant to lactose).
People
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 should always
Consider
Fix capitalization
consider
show examples
 their doctors before taking
vitamin
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pills
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. I believe that
people
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 can save more
money
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 if they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 eating a healthy
diet
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 and
not
Rephrase
don't
show examples
 spend on
vitamin
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pills
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 which they
don’t
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 require.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. The reasons are clear, but the part about how to help people eat better needs more focus on adults as well as children.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear cause and result. For example, explain that some people buy pills because ads make pills seem quick and easy, or because busy people think food takes too much time.
task response
Use examples that fit the whole question. The food-face example is useful for children, but add an example for adults, such as simple meal plans, health talks, or clear food labels.
task response
Be careful with broad claims. The point about yoga is not well explained and does not strongly show how people will choose healthy food. Replace it with a more direct idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body, and end. Make the plan even clearer: one paragraph for reasons people buy pills, and one or two paragraphs for ways to improve diet.
coherence and cohesion
Start each paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. This will help the reader follow your points without effort.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way. Words such as “first”, “also”, “as a result”, and “for example” can show how ideas connect. Do not add a link if the next idea is not closely related.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about fruits and vegetables many times. Use each paragraph to add a new point, such as cost, ads, lack of time, or lack of food knowledge.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: why people buy vitamin pills and how they can be helped to eat better.
task response
You include useful points about people who think their food does not give them enough vitamins and people who do not eat many fruits and vegetables.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and the conclusion returns to the main message about healthy food.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and helpful links such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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