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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In recent years, formal learning has become increasingly common as the main
focus
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 in
schools
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. Some people argue that primary
schools
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 give too much attention to it,
while
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 others believe
children
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 need to learn and play equally. I believe that balancing the portion of formal and informal
education
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 offers more benefits for
children
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's development,
such
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 as helping
children
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 to develop stable emotions and preventing them from burning out.
Body paragraph 1
One major benefit of
learn
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learning
 and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 for
children
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 is helping them to grow mentally stable.
Students
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 in elementary
schools
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 would feel happier during the
education
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process
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 that involves games or something fun they like. Through that method, they will subconsciously accept the learning
process
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.
For example
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,
students
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 will participate in learning math willingly when the teachers use a card game that looks fun to them
rather
Punctuation problem
, rather
show examples
 than teaching them directly about math.
As a result
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,
students
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 would learn more effectively, not only developing their formal
education
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 but
also
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 helping them to achieve several social skills,
such
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 as teamwork and empathy.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, forcing
children
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 to
focus
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 only on formal
education
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 will lead to burnout because their brains are too overwhelmed. Playing in the middle of the learning
process
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 could prevent it from happening because when
children
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 feel happy, it
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to preserve their brain conditions to remain fresh and ready to accept more knowledge their teacher gives to them.
For instance
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, many student get bored and start to yawn in the middle of a serious learning
process
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; grabbing their attention through several games will help them
gain
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regain
show examples
 their
focus
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.
Consequently
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,
students
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 will have more
focus
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 and
prevent them
Wrong verb form
be prevented
show examples
 from burnout or stress conditions.
Conclusion
In summary,
keep
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keeping
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 the formal and non-formal
education
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 equally given to
students
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 in elementary
schools
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 would be more beneficial for their development. Improving their
emotion
Replace the word
emotional
 management and helping them
from
Change preposition
avoid
show examples
 burnout and stress conditions.

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task response
Your main view is clear: school should have both study and play. However, say more clearly how far you agree that schools focus too much on formal learning. For example, state that you agree only when play is not part of the day.
task response
Develop each main point with a fuller link to the question. Explain why games help children learn, and why play is important for health, friends, and school work.
task response
Your examples are useful, but make them more real and clear. You could describe one short maths game and say what children learn from it, such as counting, taking turns, and working with others.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, two main parts, and end. Make the first lines of the body parts more natural: use “One major benefit of play is that it helps children feel calm and happy.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. “As a result” and “Consequently” are used well, but do not repeat the same idea about focus and burnout too much. Add one new point instead.
coherence and cohesion
The final part should be a full sentence. Write: “In summary, giving equal time to formal learning and play is better for primary school children.” Then restate your two reasons in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word form or grammar. For example, change “One major benefit of learn and play” to “One major benefit of learning through play”. Change “it help” to “it helps”, and “many student” to “many students”.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give a clear view about balancing learning and play.
task response
The maths card game is a good example because it shows how play can support learning.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are placed in a clear order, with one main idea in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “For example”, “As a result”, “Moreover”, and “In summary” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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