IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity ?

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Introduction
Nowadays, the global
population
Use synonyms
 keeps increasing at a steady rate.
This
Linking Words
 essay will first discuss the main reasons for
population
Use synonyms
 growth, and
then
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 argue that
over-
Correct your spelling
overpopulation
population
Use synonyms
 is not the most serious threat
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 human beings.
Body paragraph 1
Two primary factors contribute to the
continous geowth
Correct your spelling
continuous growth
 of
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
population
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with, advances in medical care
extent
Verb problem
extend
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 human life expectancy.
Mosern
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Modern
 vaccines, disease treatments and public health systems reduce death rates from infectious illnesses, so more people can live into old age.
Besides
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, in many developing nations,
trasitional
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transitional
 cultural values encourage large families. Many parens belive more children can bring labour and financial support for households, which leads to higher birth rates in these regions.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, I disagree that
population
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 expansion is humanity's single biggest problem. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, there are more urgent worldwide crises. Climate change,
for example
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, causes extreme weather, resource shortages and species extinction, which threatens the survival of the whole planet. Conflicts and
globle
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global
 inequality
also
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 create huge suffering for millions of people.
On the other hand
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, a growing
population
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 can bring benefits.
Conclusion
In conclusion, improved medical conditions and traditional family beliefs result in
rising
Correct article usage
a rising
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 global
population
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.
Although
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this
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 trend
creats
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creates
 challenges, other issues
such
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 as climate crisis deserve more concern as climate crisis deserve more concern as the most
servere
Correct your spelling
severe
 problem for mankind.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. You explain why the number of people is rising, and you clearly say that you do not agree it is the biggest problem.
task response
Give more detail for your view. The last main point says that a larger population can bring good things, but it does not explain what these good things are or why they matter.
task response
Add one clear example for each cause. For example, say how child care or clean water helps more people live longer, and explain why some families need more children to work or care for parents.
task response
Make your main view more exact. You can say that population rise makes other problems worse, but climate change is more serious because it can harm food, water, homes, and life in many places.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, causes, your view, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The third body part needs better balance. You give a full point about climate change, but the point about the good side of population growth ends too soon. Either explain it with an example or remove it.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. 'To begin with', 'Besides', 'However', 'On one hand', and 'On the other hand' help the reader, but make sure each one leads to a full idea.
coherence and cohesion
The ending repeats 'as climate crisis deserve more concern' and this makes the final sentence hard to read. State the idea once in a short, clear way.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the opening and stays the same through the essay.
task response
The causes you choose are relevant: better health care lowers death rates, while family beliefs can lead to more births.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear first sentence, so the reader can see the purpose of the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
The example of climate change fits your main point and helps show why you think another issue is more serious.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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