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Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious problem. Give the reasons and the solutions for this health issue

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Introduction
Nowadays, many
children
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 are overweight.
This
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 essay will examine both views of
children
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 today being overweight and explan there issues and solutions.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are many different reasons why
children
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 are overweight.
Firstly
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, nowadays, many
children
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 are consuming unhealthy food. Their diet consists of fries, ice cream and even soft drinks.
This
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 type of food contains high calories and a tremendous amount of sugar.
Secondly
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, lack of sleep plays a huge part in adding weight.
For example
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, many
children
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 sleep
instead
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 of being active.
Also
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, increased sleeping hours create poor health and depression. Depression can lead to overeating.
Finally
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,
children
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 do not get enough exercise. They commonly play video games as a daily thing to do.
In addition
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, video games can lead to a non-active life.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are many solutions to solve
this
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 issue.
Firstly
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, the sunlight is a natural source of energy.
For example
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, sunlight can help
children
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 meet their needs for vitamins.
Secondly
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, sport ins improtant in many ways to benefit kids.
In addition
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,
children
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 can enter their favourite sport
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as football
,
Correct word choice
or
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 basketball. Tiredly, eating a healthy diet plays a huge part speically with
children
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. Their diet needs to contain different types of vegetables and meats.
Therefore
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, eating healthy can have a positive effect on the immune system inside
their bodies
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the body
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. there sevral healthy
entertainment
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activities
show examples
 for
children
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 to enjoy ,
such
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 as sports,
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of ectivities with going sports like football , which helps the body to be more flexible, basketball improves the body as well , and helps with bone growth.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are several key reasons responsible for the child obesity crisis.
However
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, there are many excellent solutions to solve
this
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 problem.

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task response
Answer both parts of the question in a clear way. Your main causes are unhealthy food, too much sleep, and little exercise. Your main answers are healthy food and sport. Explain each point with a clear link to weight gain or weight loss.
task response
Some ideas need to be more true and clear. Sleeping is not always a cause of being overweight. You could say that children stay up late with games or phones, sleep badly, and then have less energy to be active.
task response
Give more direct examples. For example, a child who drinks soft drinks every day and plays games for hours may gain weight because they eat too much sugar and do not burn it off.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear plan: first paragraph for causes, second paragraph for answers, then a short end. This plan is already there, but some points repeat or move away from the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused. In the second body paragraph, the points about sunlight, vitamins, sport, food, and fun things are not well joined. Pick two or three strong answers and explain them fully.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Finally', and 'Therefore' help, but make sure the next sentence clearly follows the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Check key words and sentence form. For example, write 'explain the issues and solutions', 'sport is important', 'especially', 'several', and start each new sentence with a capital letter.
task response
You deal with both causes and answers, so the essay stays on the main health problem.
task response
Your points about fast food, sweet drinks, video games, healthy food, and sport are useful and fit the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as 'On the one hand', 'Firstly', and 'In conclusion' to show the reader where your ideas are going.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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