IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say the government should give healthcare the first priority, some others believe education is more importanat to spend the taxpayers' money. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
It is no secret that global governing bodies are responsible for
ciculating
Correct your spelling
circulating
 tax money efficiently. In that aspect, communities tend to evaluate
prority
Correct your spelling
priority
 between
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
. From my perspective,
education
Use synonyms
 should be highlighted, as educated societies are beneficial
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 in terms of legislative power and unemployment.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a communal setting, states should invest in
healthcare
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 aspects widely, as
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 public directly affects economic growth and
strong
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a strong
show examples
 workforce.
Hence
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, vaccination programmes, epidemic
controlling
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control,
 and national
nutrient
Replace the word
nutrition
 should be addressed by taking precautionary
mechanisms
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measures
show examples
.
As a result
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, authorities
able
Verb problem
are able
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 to
strenghthen
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strengthen
 the socio-economy with the support of healthy workers.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 global statistics,
first world
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first-world
 countries follow
sufficent
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sufficient
 fiscal policies on
healthcare
Use synonyms
 infrastructure facilities.
As a result
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,
such
Linking Words
 authorities experience a low level of mortality rates, which positively affects their population over the years.
Body paragraph 2
On the contrary
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,
according to
Linking Words
 another communal
segmanet
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segment
, flexible
diplomatice
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diplomatic
 conditions on sound
education
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,
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apply
show examples
 directly affects to eradication
poverty
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of poverty
show examples
 and unemployment, which positively affects the communal upbringing. More positively, vocational and practical training programmes and
flovarable
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flexible
 salary scales for educational
professional
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professionals
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 pave the way for
high end
Correct your spelling
high-end
 societies.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 global educationalists, authorities invest in
education
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, pave the way for decreasing
poverty
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the poverty
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 rate and
malnutrient
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malnutrition
, which
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
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 youth unrest.
Body paragraph 3
From my perspective,
high end
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high-end
 literacy level of people led to low crime rates and
democrasy
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democracy
, which
ensure
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ensures
show examples
 quality living conditions with peace and harmony.
As a result
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
socities
Correct your spelling
societies
 are able to increase their economic aspects, by welcoming foreign investments and
indutrial aspets
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industrial aspects
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
transparent
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transparency
 of the law and order apparently
secure
Wrong verb form
secured
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 by educated
civillians
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civilians
 and it may create
suitable
Correct article usage
a suitable
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 atmosphere for tourists and foreign delegates, which may increase foreign assets in
such
Linking Words
 nations.
Conclusion
Looking from an
overall
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 perspective, it is evident that 'Change is inevitable'. In that
aspect
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aspect,
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 every governing body ought to step forward
,
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apply
show examples
 to understand
importance
Correct article usage
the importance
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 of
balance
Replace the word
balanced
 access for offering
healthcare
Use synonyms
 facilities and sound
education
Use synonyms
, in order to achieve upward mobility in their home countries. Ultimately,
governers
Correct your spelling
governors
 should play their cards wisely and vividly, to ensure
econimic
Correct your spelling
economic
 and communal values
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their citizens.

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task response
You discuss both health and education, and you give your own view. However, make your view more clear from the start: say why education should get more money, while health must still get enough support.
task response
Use clear and true links between ideas. For example, explain how better schools can lead to more jobs, less crime, and more money for the country. Some points, such as law and tourists, need more detail.
task response
Your examples are too general. Instead of saying “global statistics” or “global educationalists”, give one clear example of a country, school plan, or health plan and explain its result.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, health view, education view, and ending. Keep this shape, but make each main paragraph start with one simple main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they have too many ideas. Write shorter sentences. Put the cause first, then the result. For example: “When people are healthy, they can work more. This helps the economy.”
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a natural way: “First”, “For example”, “However”, “Also”, and “Therefore”. Do not repeat “As a result” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “communal setting”, “high end societies”, and “flexible diplomatic conditions”. Choose direct words such as “society”, “rich countries”, and “good schools”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the case for health, the case for education, and your own opinion.
task response
You include useful main ideas, such as healthy workers helping the economy and education helping people find work.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph mainly stays on one side of the topic, so the reader can see the two views.
coherence and cohesion
Your final paragraph tries to bring both sides together and shows that public money should be used with care.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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