IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

¬¬¬¬¬Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

3.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Public
health
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
has become
show examples
 a hot topic
thesedays
Correct your spelling
these days
. People have
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
 opinions on how
could the government
Correct word order
the government could
show examples
 improve the lifestyle of the
citizines
Correct your spelling
citizens
. Some agree that having access
for spots
Change preposition
to sports
show examples
 facilities could have a positive impact on
this
Linking Words
 major issue ;
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 some individuals
believes
Correct subject-verb agreement
believe
show examples
this
Linking Words
 will not contribute
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 increasing the healty lifestyle.
Body paragraph 1
The
availlability
Correct your spelling
availability
 of sports
machiens
Correct your spelling
machines
 and places will decrease the
health
Use synonyms
 issues in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. For
examples
Check wording
example
show examples
, having different body building machienes on parks and paths for
bickes
Correct your spelling
bikes
 and walking will attract people to do some
exercieses
Correct your spelling
exercises
 and
encorage
Correct your spelling
encourage
 them to
workout
Replace the word
work out
.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 becoming
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
will be an easy one and for every one specially those who can not afford participating
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 gyms.
Body paragraph 2
On the contrary
Linking Words
, some
belives
Correct your spelling
believe
 that even if the govenrment add sports
facilities
Punctuation problem
facilities,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 will not change the
health
Use synonyms
 situation
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the communities
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
this
Linking Words
mainly
Verb problem
is mainly
show examples
controled
Correct your spelling
controlled
 by the
desier
Correct your spelling
desire
 of each individual. For
instants
Check wording
instance
show examples
, if the person has lazienness an no motivation for doing workouts
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
he or she will not
excersies
Correct your spelling
exercise
 even if the gyms are free.
Conclusion
In
conclosion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, people
deffer
Correct your spelling
differ
 on their point of view about the impact of increasing the number of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports facilities on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
. In my
opionion
Correct your spelling
opinion
, doing so will have
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 impact on the
overall
Linking Words
 lifestyle of all pople specally with the
exesting
Replace the word
existence
 of role models.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Discuss both views in more detail. Explain why sports places can help, but also explain why many people may not use them. Then make your own view clear and give reasons for it.
task response
Your opinion is clear at the end, but it needs more support. Explain how free parks, walking paths, and good role models may help more people to be active.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. For example, say that free exercise areas may help people with less money, while food rules and health lessons may help people who do not want to exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each body part longer and more fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words to show the path of your ideas: “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In my view”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. After saying that free sports places help, explain why this leads to better health. After saying some people lack desire, explain what other help they may need.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words, such as “health”, “sports facilities”, and “people”. Use simple other words like “public exercise areas”, “residents”, and “active life” when possible.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view in the final part.
task response
The example of free machines in parks is relevant because it shows how sports places can help people with less money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each main view is in its own paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful contrast words such as “On the contrary” and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: