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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that we succeed in sport do to our inborn talent. Others argue that continues working on oneself is a key success. What do you think?

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Introduction
Making progress in athletics usually depends on how
regulary
Correct your spelling
regularly
 you develop your physical skills. In my opinion, hard
work
Use synonyms
 is more important than talent.
However
Linking Words
, I
also
Linking Words
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that an inborn gift has an essential impact on the future development.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, talent is a gift you can not predict
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is an opportunity you were given since birth.
As a result
Linking Words
, a person with wildely desire to
sport
Verb problem
play sports
show examples
 since childhood can easily provide a kid with a successful career in a sport games.
For instance
Linking Words
, gifted people have an
unusuall
Correct your spelling
unusual
 possibility to handle more physical exercises and be capable do learn faster than other groups of society.
Howerer
Correct your spelling
However
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
manual
work
Use synonyms
 has
such
Linking Words
 an important impact on the future results of efforts.
Body paragraph 2
One important point is that hard
work
Use synonyms
 influences so much.People should remember that without a
strick
Correct your spelling
strict
 schedule, eating healthy and exercising regulary there is a small chance of
succeed
Replace the word
success
.
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
Linking Words
,
to rely
Wrong verb form
relying
show examples
 on the
fate
Check wording
apply
show examples
unlikely
will
Check wording
outcome will
show examples
make results
Verb problem
result
show examples
 in your career.
For example
Linking Words
, a professional socer players have an excellent mental and physical body
conditional
Replace the word
condition
,
as a result
Linking Words
 of awareness
how
Change preposition
of how
show examples
 to achieve rewards. In
additional
Replace the word
addition
, people who are
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the pinnacle of success will describe the path to achievement as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hard, proper and mature
work
Use synonyms
.
Althoght
Correct your spelling
Although
, working on oneself is never the
worth
Correct word choice
right
show examples
 way to improve skills you have.
Conclusion
In conclusion, hard
work
Use synonyms
 is something that depends on your attitude
to
Change preposition
toward
show examples
 it.
Overall
Linking Words
, the benefit of talent
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 you an inborn desire to sport.

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task response
Make your main view fully clear from the start: hard work is more important, while talent can help at first. Keep this same view in every body part and in the end.
task response
Explain ideas in a more direct way. For example, say that talent may help a child learn a sport fast, but daily training, good food, rest, and a coach are needed for long-term success.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. The soccer example should show what players do every day, such as training, eating well, and learning from mistakes.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body paragraph. Write one paragraph about talent and one paragraph about hard work. Then explain each idea and give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Link sentences with simple words such as “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “Therefore”. Do not use a link word unless the next sentence clearly follows the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter and clearer. For example, change “to rely on the fate unlikely will make results in your career” to “Relying only on talent is unlikely to bring success.”
coherence and cohesion
Check that your final paragraph repeats your main answer. It should say that talent is useful, but hard work is the key part of success in sport.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view.
task response
You use sport-based examples, including soccer, which fit the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an opening, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “To begin with”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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