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Band 6

Some people think watching television is a good way to relax. Others prefer other activities. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, many
people
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 like to relax in their free time. Some
people
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 think that watching television is the best way to relax.
However
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, other
people
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 prefer to do different activities like sports or reading. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides and give my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, watching
TV
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 is very popular for many reasons.
First,
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it is very easy and cheap.
People
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 can just sit on the sofa after a hard day at work and turn on the television. They do not need to move or spend money.
Second,
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there are many types of programs on
TV
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,
such
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 as movies, news, and sports.
For example
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,
people
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 can watch funny shows to feel happy and forget their daily stress.
Therefore
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, watching
TV
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 is a good way to relax at home.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 prefer other activities because they think
TV
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 is boring or unhealthy.
First,
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sitting for a long time in front of a screen is bad for the eyes and the body.
Instead
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,
people
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 like to go outside and do physical exercise, like walking or playing football. Exercise is good for health and gives
people
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 more energy.
Second,
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doing hobbies like reading books or meeting friends can help
people
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 make strong relationships and learn new things, which is better than just watching
TV
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, watching
TV
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 is an easy and comfortable way to relax at home after work.
However
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, I believe that doing other active hobbies like playing sports or spending time with friends is better for physical and mental health.

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task response
You answer all parts of the task: you show both views and give your own view. To make your view stronger, say more clearly why active hobbies are better for the mind as well as the body.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some points need more detail. For example, explain how time with friends can help a person feel less stress, not only make strong links.
task response
The example of funny shows is useful. Add one more real or clear example for reading, sport, or time with friends to make the ideas more full.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear plan: opening, one part for TV, one part for other things, and a closing. Keep this good shape.
coherence and cohesion
Each part has a clear main point and good order. You use words such as “First”, “Second”, “For example”, and “Therefore” well. Try not to use “First” and “Second” in every part; use words like “Also”, “In addition”, or “As a result” too.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas can be smoother. For example, after saying TV is bad for the eyes and body, you can add that this is why people may choose sport or a walk.
task response
You give a clear opinion in both the opening and the closing: active hobbies are better for health.
task response
Your ideas stay close to the topic, with useful points about ease, cost, health, learning, and friends.
coherence and cohesion
The reader can follow your ideas easily because each paragraph has one main subject.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will do, and the closing brings the main ideas together clearly.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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