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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor, while others believe that it is widening the opportunities for both groups. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
There is ongoing
consencus
Correct your spelling
consensus
 that the recent development of
technology
Use synonyms
 will increase imbalances between the rich and the poor. To me, even though some advanced
technology
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 cannot be accessed by poor
people
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, I believe that more affordable
technology
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 would give more opportunities to
increase underprivileged
Verb problem
apply
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people
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 to improve
their
Correct determiner usage
the
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 quality of life
.
Change preposition
of underprivileged people.
show examples
Body paragraph 1
One
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one
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 hand,
one
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 of the strongest
argument
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arguments
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 that tech might boost
gaps
Correct article usage
the gaps
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 between rich and poor
people
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 is because of its accessibility and affordability. It is of course that more sophisticated
technology
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 expensive
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it makes most poor
people
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 cannot afford it.
As a result
Linking Words
, it can
also
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 affect their performance in some contexts.
For example
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, in school, rich students can buy better performing laptop for many educational purposes,
such
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 as programming and video-editing.
Whereas
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, poor students would have limited
performances
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performance
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 over
such
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 tech-related heavy
task
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tasks
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, despite
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this
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these
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 affordability issues, a cheaper
technology
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such
Linking Words
 as
smartphone
Correct article usage
a smartphone
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 nowadays is sufficient
to use
Verb problem
apply
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for other performances. Almost no
one
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cannot
Rephrase
can
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 afford
smartphone
Correct article usage
a smartphone
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, and even the cheapest device
is possible to
Verb problem
can
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 perform tech related works. Take an example, a smartphone can be used to create
contents
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content
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 like youtuber or
social
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a social
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 media influencer. Even better,
this
Linking Words
 device is surprisingly incredible
to perform video-editing
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for performing video editing
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 using mobile-dedicated apps. Starting from simple
contents
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content
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, if done consistently and creatively, poor individuals can possibly monetise their accounts, gaining money from ads.
That is
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 to say, the poor will earn money independently and
finally
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 improve their quality of life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in spite of scepticism over technological enhancement to widen the
poor and the rich gaps
Correct word order
gap between the poor and the rich
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, more
opportunites
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 should be
expect
Wrong verb form
expected
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 from
this
Linking Words
 development.
Technology
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 is only a tool, it depends on how each individuals in using available
equipments
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equipment
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-
Punctuation problem
,
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 even a simpler
one
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-
Punctuation problem
,
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 to find every
spots
Fix the agreement mistake
spot
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 for
improvements
Check wording
improvement
show examples
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why low-cost phones can help poor people in work, study, and daily life. Also show that some rich people may still gain more from costly tools.
task response
Your school example is useful and linked to the question. The phone example is also clear, but it is a little narrow. Add one more example, such as online learning, finding jobs, or selling goods online.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this plan. Make the first line of each main part more direct, so the reader can see the main point at once.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. Use short, clear links such as "However", "For example", "As a result", and "Therefore". Do not use too many long or unclear links.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence has one clear main idea. For example, change "it makes most poor people cannot afford it" to "most poor people cannot afford it." This will make the writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
In the ending, state your view in a direct way. Say that technology can widen the gap when costly tools matter, but cheap devices can still give poor people more chances.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the view about a wider gap, the view about new chances, and your own opinion.
task response
The examples of laptops at school and phones for online content make your ideas easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The two main parts are well ordered. One looks at the problem of cost, and the other looks at the help from cheaper tools.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to your main view and brings the essay to a clear end.
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