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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of countries are moving towards becoming cashless societies where all financial transactions are conducted digitally. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh disadvantages?

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Introduction
Due to
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 the breakthrough in technology, doing financial transactions digitally has become a popular trend
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a large number of countries. I believe that
this
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 trend has far more advantages than
its
Correct determiner usage
apply
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drawbacks.
Body paragraph 1
Online
Correct article usage
An online
show examples
 banking system offers several benefits to individuals
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it can be used for
multi
Correct word choice
multiple
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 purposes. The main pro is that it is not only convenient but
also
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 the safest option for financial transactions. To explain it, nowadays, everyone prefers to use cards,
such
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 as debit, credit, ATM and MasterCard
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 they consider that these are
easy
Replace the word
easier
 to carry than cash for them.
Apart from
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this
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, they can use their cards
while
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 adding in mobile phone wallet
instead
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 of carrying a physical card.
As a result
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, they have less fear of losing a card.
Body paragraph 2
Moving
further
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, with the help of online banking systems,
people
Use synonyms
 can save their quality time because they do not need to travel from one place to another.
In addition
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, they do not need to stand in a long queue, which is
totally wastage
Replace the word
a total waste
 of time.
Also
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, these days, every bank has its own banking app so individuals can register and finish the work through the online banking apps
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 deposit, transfer
money
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, fault pay bills,
for instance
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.
Body paragraph 3
70% young
people
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 prefer using
digital
Correct article usage
the digital
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 mode of transferring
money
Use synonyms
 from one account to another
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they are quite satisfied with
this
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 innovation and method.
Body paragraph 4
However
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, there are some disadvantages
of
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to
show examples
 doing financial
transaction
Check wording
transactions
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 digitally. An obvious one is that overspending of
money
Use synonyms
 because when
people
Use synonyms
 use digital payment methods,
money
Use synonyms
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
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 invisible, which makes it much easier to overspend
money
Use synonyms
.
While
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if
people
Use synonyms
 buy something with cash, they know how much they have spent and how much
money
Use synonyms
 they have left.
Consequently
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, they usually invest
money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 necessary things rather than spending on unnecessary things.
Conclusion
It is sensible
to conclude
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 that
although
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 digital payment methods can lead to overspending, cash payments help
people
Use synonyms
 control their spending. I strongly believe that
this
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 trend has more benefits, including saving
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time, convenience and
safest
Replace the word
safety
 for
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Give a more even view of both sides. Your good points are clear, but the bad side has only one main point. Add another bad point, such as online theft, loss of private data, or problems for old people who cannot use apps.
task response
Explain why the good sides are greater than the bad sides. For example, say that people can control spending by setting a limit or checking their phone app, while saving time helps many people every day.
task response
Use one clear, real-life example for each main point. The line about young people is not linked well to the rest of the essay and needs a source or a fuller explanation. It may be better to remove it and give a simple example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body, and end. Make the order stronger: write one paragraph on good sides, one paragraph on bad sides, and then clearly compare them before the final view.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Phrases like “Moving further” and “Apart from this” can be replaced with simple links such as “First,” “Also,” “However,” and “Therefore.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main idea. The first body paragraph mixes ease, safety, cards, and phone wallets. Split or group these ideas more clearly, then explain each one.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences clearer. For example, write “Digital banking saves time because people do not need to travel to a bank or wait in a queue.” This is easier to follow than several short ideas in one sentence.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that the good sides are greater than the bad sides.
task response
You give useful good points, especially saving time and making payments easy.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and final paragraph clearly show your main view.
coherence and cohesion
You use “However” well to introduce the bad side of cashless payments.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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