IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that it is important to spend a lot of money on family celebration, while others think it is a waste of money. Discuss both views. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Nowadays,there are a
lot
Use synonyms
 of arguments about whether
should we
Correct word order
we should
show examples
 spend a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 on famly
celebration
Use synonyms
.Some people believe that it is important to spend a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 on
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
celebration
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others think it is a waste of
money
Use synonyms
.So today I will express my opinions
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 these two points.
Body paragraph 1
First of all,from my perspective,spending a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 on
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
celebration
Use synonyms
 is worth
and
Correct pronoun usage
it and
show examples
 crucial for me.Family
celebration
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 is not just meeting our family members
surfacly
Correct your spelling
superficially
,
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 important thing is keeping happiness.For me,
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
celebration
Use synonyms
 is including memorible and meaningful
memory
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memories
show examples
,it can not be measured in
money
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.There are a few experiences from me,
for example
Linking Words
,I have brought my parents to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dinner at
western
Correct article usage
a western
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 resturant for celebrating my mom's
birthda
Correct your spelling
birthday
 3 years ago.In that time,I have only $4500 monthly pay.It can be said that $4500 per month is inadequate to maintain my own life.But I still deeply think that it is worth
and
Correct pronoun usage
it and
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 precious.Why?I still remember that my mom's face is fulfilling her smile
in
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apply
show examples
all night.When I saw it,I
think
Wrong verb form
thought
show examples
 happiness is priceless and can not be measured in
money
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!
Moreover
Linking Words
,I have rented a
vehicles
Fix the agreement mistake
vehicle
show examples
 for
Happy
Correct article usage
the Happy
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 New Year
celebration
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 to see the fireworks at
peak
Correct determiner usage
their peak
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 with my whole family.
This
Linking Words
 is the first time for my family to see the fireworks at
peak
Correct determiner usage
their peak
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.I still remember the scenery of fireworks is particularly breathtaking and
spectucular
Correct your spelling
spectacular
.The most
memorible
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memorable
 thing is
My
Correct word choice
that my
show examples
 family
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 felt
impressived
Correct your spelling
impressed
 and thankful to me
on
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apply
show examples
that night.I can
also
Linking Words
 feel a sense of
belongings
Check wording
belonging
show examples
 with my family.I think
these
Correct determiner usage
their
show examples
 own experiences
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the best reasons to prove that family celebrations are very important.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
,some people may think
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
celebration
Use synonyms
 is
wasting
Replace the word
a waste of
 their
money
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.The
most
Correct word choice
main
show examples
 reason I think is
Body paragraph 3
the
Capitalize the word
The
show examples
 family
celebration
Use synonyms
 is really expensive and costly.
family
Correct article usage
A family
show examples
celebration
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like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 travelling to
Europe
Punctuation problem
Europe,
show examples
 is costly.The expensive family
celebration
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 may boost our economic burden.
Conclusion
In
conslusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,there is no absolute right or wrong in spending
money
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.The key is to live within your means and return to your original
intensions
Correct your spelling
intentions
.

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task response
You give your own view and use real family examples well. However, the second view is very short. Explain more clearly why some people see big events as a waste: high cost, debt, or money that could help with food, school, or health.
task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Give one full body part for the good side and one full body part for the other side. Then state your own view clearly at the end.
task response
Your main idea is that family joy is more important than money. This is clear, but add a limit: big spending is good only when a family can pay for it without money stress.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: opening, reasons for spending, reasons against spending, and ending. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The essay stops soon after you start the other view. Do not leave a new idea without full support. Add reasons and one example before the ending.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show the path of your ideas: 'On the one hand', 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In the end'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main point. In the first body part, focus on joy and close family ties. In the next body part, focus on cost and money stress.
task response
Your personal examples are clear and fit the topic. The meal for your mother and the fireworks trip show why family events can create happy memories.
task response
You give a clear personal view that family happiness cannot always be put into money terms.
coherence and cohesion
You use an opening, body ideas, and an ending, so the reader can see the basic shape of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'First of all', 'Moreover', 'However', and 'In conclusion' help show changes between ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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