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Writing Samples
Band 5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a wast of money. Government must invest this money in public services instead. To what extend do you agree with this statement.

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Introduction
It is undeniable that debates
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 sparked around the world that funding
arts
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-related sectors
such
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 as
fillms
Correct your spelling
films
, music and theatre is a
wasting
Replace the word
waste of
 taxpayer
money
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.
In contrast
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, others argue that
allocate
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allocating
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 more funds
in
Change preposition
to
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 public
services
Use synonyms
 is more crucial. From my perspective, I partly disagree with the first view because even though improving
public
Correct article usage
the public
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sectors
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sector
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 is
number
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the number
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 one priority, funding in the
arts
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 can
also
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 bring
nation's
Correct article usage
the nation's
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developments
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development
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.
Body paragraph 1
Although
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 investing in public
services
Use synonyms
 is the most important thing to the
people
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 immediately,
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arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 remain important in some aspects.
First,
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building creative industries will open more job markets
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it indeed requires serious support from
government
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the government
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, particularly in funding relevant artistic industries.
For example
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, South Korea has been becoming one of the most
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
 role model in promoting their cultures through music (K-pop) and movies (Korean-drama). Since
then
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, a massive amount of
money
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 has been gained by these industries
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
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is
Wrong verb form
has
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 directly
increase
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increased
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citizens
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citizens'
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 income and quality of life.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, I understand the sentiment that goverment must provide more
services
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 to
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 because the impact will be more comprehensive. Public
services
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 can be utilised by
wider
Correct article usage
a wider
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 range of backgrounds, regardless of their interests.
While
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arts
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, arguably, can only be enjoyed by individuals who work in creative-related jobs or
such
Linking Words
 aesthetic companies.
For example
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, spending tax
money
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 to build cheaper housing and public transportation will
absolutely
Verb problem
be absolutely
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 beneficial for everyone directly because many
people
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 can save more
money
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.
That is
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 to say, improving
such
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 public
services
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 will reduce the burdens of
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 diverse society.
Thus
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, the investments
on
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in
show examples
 the most fundamental aspects of
people
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 - public
services
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 - will certainly boost individuals' welfare.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I do not entirely agree that spending public funds to
arts
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 is useless, though providing
services
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 to
broader
Correct article usage
a broader
show examples
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people
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range of people
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 must be prioritised. Both views has its own benefits and drawbacks depending on
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 country's unique issues.
Therefore
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, public funds should be managed wisely, by considering the nation's master plan in order to improve their
poeple's
Correct your spelling
people's
 life.

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task response
Your main view is clear: public services should come first, but art should still get some public money. Make this view even more direct in the first and last parts. Explain more clearly how much money should go to art and how much should go to public services.
task response
Your ideas are on topic, but some points need more full support. For example, explain why jobs in music and film can help the whole country, not only people who work in these areas.
task response
The South Korea example is useful and clear. Add one more short, real example of a public service, such as schools, hospitals, buses, or homes, to make the other side just as strong.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph about art, one paragraph about public services, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Words such as “however”, “for example”, and “therefore” are helpful, but make sure each one shows the exact link between the two ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hard to follow. Split them into two shorter sentences. This will make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same word form and grammar in key ideas. For example, use “government investment in the arts” and “investment in public services” in the same clear way across the essay.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view throughout the essay.
task response
The example of Korean music and films is relevant and helps show how art can bring jobs and money.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear main idea, so the reader can understand the direction of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to your main view and gives a sensible final message about using public money with care.
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