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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

19 .As the world has become technological advance, computer are replacing more and more jobs that maybe lose because of computer. Discuss at least one problem that may result.

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Introduction
It is
undeniable
Correct article usage
an undeniable
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 fact that technology has taken over a lot of things in
past
Correct article usage
the past
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 few centuries. Nowadays it plays
important
Correct article usage
an important
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 role in our everyday lives. Some believe that computers are the alternative for numerous jobs these days and people are
loosing
Use the right word
losing
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 work
due to
Linking Words
 them. The problems
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as rapid job
loss
Use synonyms
 and financial
crisis
Punctuation problem
crisis,
show examples
 can be very popular
due to
Linking Words
computerization
Change the spelling
computerisation
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.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, the increased use of technology can lead to unemployment in many sectors today.
A research
Correct determiner usage
Research
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 done by
oxford university
Capitalize the proper name
Oxford University
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 states that 50% of jobs are done online today
,
Punctuation problem
;
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therefore
Linking Words
, there are chances that
this
Linking Words
 is
replacable
Correct your spelling
replaceable
 by artificial intelligence in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
show examples
 days.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the immediate availability of internet sources allow general public to get online assistance
instead
Linking Words
 of using human sources
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
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 of skills that many employees
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 spent years learning
in
Change preposition
apply
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.
Body paragraph 2
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, another striking issue is financial hardship among people. The fact that unemployment is going to lead to
loss
Use synonyms
 of wages among
public
Correct article usage
the public
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is going to make it hard for them to pay for
badic
Correct your spelling
basic
 needs
such
Linking Words
 as housing, groceries and gas.
Also
Linking Words
, low income is going to lead to educational
loss
Use synonyms
 among many families since they are going to be unable to spend on good education and training for their children to learn new skills.
Conclusion
Conclusion,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the rapid increase of computers and technological development has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to major issues
such
Linking Words
 as unemployment and economic
loss
Use synonyms
. But, it is very important to value Human Resources these days because technology is not 100% reliable.

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task response
You answer the question by giving two problems: loss of jobs and money problems. This is clear. However, the task asks for at least one problem, so it is better to explain one or two problems more fully, with clear causes and results.
task response
Your ideas are mostly on topic. Make the link clearer: computers take jobs, people lose pay, and then they may not pay for food, homes, or school. Add one real or made-up example to show this path.
task response
The Oxford study is not explained enough and may not be true as written. Use a clear example instead, such as self-checkout machines in shops or robots in a factory taking work from cashiers or workers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: start, two main parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow. Keep one main problem in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or not complete. For example, change "The fact that unemployment is going to lead..." to "Unemployment can lead to a loss of pay." Short, full sentences will make your ideas clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with care. "First and foremost" and "Last but not least" are fine, but simple links such as "For example", "As a result", and "Because of this" can show the cause and result more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The ending repeats the main ideas, but the last point about valuing people and computers not being fully safe is new and not well linked to the task. End by restating the problems instead.
task response
You give clear problems that can come from computers taking jobs: unemployment and less money for families.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses separate paragraphs for each main idea, and it has both an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "Moreover", "Also", and "therefore" help show links between some of your ideas.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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