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Band 5

some children spend hours every day on thair smartphones. why is this case?do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
It is an undeniable fact that the younger generations are more attracted to devices
such
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 as phones and computers. Nowadays, it has been seen that
the
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apply
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children
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 spend a lot of
time
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 on smartphones either
to play
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playing
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 online games or
watch
Wrong verb form
watching
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 entertaining videos. In my opinion, I believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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this
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 has a lot of negative impacts on
children
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 as compared to the positives,
whereas
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 some might believe
otherwise
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.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, youngsters spending
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of their
time
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 on
phone
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the phone
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 can be
due to
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 multiple different reasons
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such
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, such
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 as parental ignorance, a good distraction or a way to learn new things.
It is clear that
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 parents have very busy schedules these days, and in between managing everything, some might find it difficult to make
playful
Correct word order
time for playful activities with
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time
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 for their
children
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.
As a result
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, they are likely to offer smartphones to the kids to keep them busy and entertained.
However
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, it is often considered a good idea to promote
the
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apply
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online learning in young kids to teach themselves new skills.
Therefore
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, they tend to use the online platforms available on the internet to educate themselves
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
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 automatically results in more screen
time
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.
Body paragraph 2
Moving on, a lot of screen
time
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 can affect physical development in early years and limit cognitive development as well.
For example
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, when kids use too
much of
Correct determiner usage
many
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 smartphones, it can strain their eyes because the rays can have
bad
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a bad
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 impact on
eyes
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the eyes
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, which could lead to loss of eyesight in future.
Moreover
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, they are less likely to participate in physical activities ,which can affect their
overall
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 development.
Also
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,
this
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 habit would restrict them
to get
Change preposition
from getting
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 involved in activities
such
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 as board games and puzzles ,which would boost their logical reasoning,
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
 skills and strong memory.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
it is clear that
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children
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 spending too much
time
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 on their phones can face serious developmental issues.
Although
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,
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apply
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 there are great benefits
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such
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, such
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 as learning new skills online
but
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,
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 it should be promoted only under adult supervision to avoid negative impacts.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your answer stronger, give one or two more clear reasons why children use phones, such as friends using them, easy access, or apps made for children.
task response
Your main view is clear: this is mostly a negative change. Keep this view strong in each body part. Add a clear link between phone use and the bad results for health, sleep, study, and time with family.
task response
Use a more real and clear example. For example, describe a child who watches videos after school instead of playing outside or doing homework, and explain the result.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The order is easy to follow: reasons first, then bad effects.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part more focused. It gives three reasons, but each reason is quite short. Explain fewer ideas in more detail, so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words such as “Firstly”, “As a result”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” help. However, do not start a new idea with “However” when it does not show a clear opposite point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences can be clearer. For example, change “youngsters spending majority of their time on phone” to “youngsters spend most of their time on phones.” This will make the flow smoother.
task response
You give a clear opinion and stay with it from the start to the end.
task response
You include useful ideas about parents being busy, online learning, eye health, and less physical activity.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has a main idea, and the conclusion clearly returns to your view.
coherence and cohesion
You use several linking words to show order and add ideas, which makes the essay easy to read.
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