IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that primary
school
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 is a tremendous part
in childrens'
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of children's
show examples
 lives.
While
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 it is commonly held
belief
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apply
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that formal
education
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 is much better for the students. There is
also
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 an argument that , at the same time, playing is important.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, some people believe that formal
education
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 plays a pivotal role in child improvement.
This
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 is because it allows the kid to focus more on his learning and achieving higher scores.
For example
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, when a student spends most of his time on entertainment, he will fall
in
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behind in
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 his exams.
Finally
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, repeat the phase.
Therefore
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, the traditional method of
education
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 is excellent.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some people claim that it is a new phase on child's life and it should be enjoyable. When the educational environment is friendly and comfortable, it enhances the student to like the
school
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 , teachers and classmates.
Subsequently
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, they will study well and encourage them to grow. It is
also
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 possible to say that
,
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apply
show examples
 it can help the kids to develop their communication skills with different types of people.
For instance
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, many skills and experiences are obtained from the
school
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 societies.
As a result
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, when the student graduates from the primary
school
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will
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, he will
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 be able to communicate with the other
besides
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,
preper
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preparing
 him
to
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for
show examples
 the next phase.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
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 question. On balance.
However
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, I tend to believe that entertainment should be a part of the
education
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 system.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first paragraph. Say how far you agree, then keep this view clear in the whole essay.
task response
Answer both parts of the question. Explain not only if schools focus too much on formal study, but also why play is important in class.
task response
Make your main ideas more full. Explain how play can help children learn, make friends, solve problems, and enjoy school.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. For example, group games can help children learn to share, speak, and work with others.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the first main part does not fully support your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main point. Start with the point, explain it, give an example, and end by linking it to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words such as 'For example', 'As a result', and 'However' should show a clear link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid short or unclear parts, such as 'Finally, repeat the phase' and 'On balance. However'. Write full, clear sentences instead.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use 'play', 'formal learning', and 'children' rather than changing to less clear words like 'entertainment' or 'phase'.
task response
You discuss both formal learning and play, and you state that play should be part of education.
task response
You give useful reasons for play, such as helping children like school and build communication skills.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'As a result'.
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