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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, many parents put a lot of pressure on their children to succeed academically. What are the reasons for this? Do you think it's a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In recent years, achieving academic success has turned into a
competion
Correct your spelling
competition
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 who want to see their
children
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 be successful in
life
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 think that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 being in that
competion
Correct your spelling
competition
 is necessary and end up putting a lot of pressure on their
children
Use synonyms
 to succeed.
Although
Linking Words
,
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apply
show examples
 there is nothing wrong
of
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with
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 wanting their child to succeed in
life
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, there should be room for
childrens prefernce
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children's preference
 as well. When
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children's
Check wording
children
show examples
 are pressurised into doing something they dislike, it can negatively
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 their growth and cause mental issues.
Hence
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, I believe it to be a negative development.
Body paragraph 1
Nowadays, people's worth is decided by their
qualification
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qualifications
show examples
. Many
parents
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 have faced issues
first hand
Correct your spelling
first-hand
 in their career and they are aware of the importance of being academically good.
This
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 fear of missing out and
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
always being on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
top is forcing
parents
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 to
pressurise
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pressure
 their
children
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 to be good at studies. Current market rewards the person who has specialiesd degree, the higher the qualification, the higher
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
show examples
 of getting accepted into a desired company and better job stability.
This
Linking Words
 creates a cycle and many
childrens
Replace the word
children
 are forced to take part in it. They are told from
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 young age to excel in school to get into a good university,
a
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and a
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better university means
a
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apply
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better job opportunities.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 cycle can create a negative view of
life
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 in
children
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's
mind
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minds
show examples
 and can cause serious mental health issues. Many students
experince
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experience
 depression because of poor academic performance.
This
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in
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, in
show examples
result
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result,
show examples
 can hinder their
overall
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 progress.
Furthermore
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, many students focus too much on academics that they ignore the things that they are good at.
As a result
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, students end up pursuing careers that they are not
passonate
Correct your spelling
passionate
 about.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the pressure of achieving academic success can
cause
Verb problem
have a
show examples
 negative impact of childern's
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life
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lives
show examples
 and deprive them
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their happiness.
Hence
Linking Words
, I believe
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development and
Use synonyms
children's
Check wording
children
show examples
 should not worry about their future from
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 young age
and
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, and
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 should guide their
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
 not pressurise them.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. You explain why parents put pressure on children and clearly say that this is a bad change. To make your ideas stronger, explain more fully why parents link school success with a good life.
task response
Your main points are clear: parents fear that their children may not get good jobs, and pressure can harm children’s mental health. Add one simple real-life example, such as a child who gives up art or sport to study all day.
task response
Some claims are too broad, for example, that a person’s worth is decided by qualifications. Use softer words such as “often” or “in some jobs” so your points sound more fair and true.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, reasons, bad effects, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the first body paragraph focus only on reasons and the second only on effects.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “One reason is that...”, “Another reason is...”, “As a result...”, and “For this reason...”. This will help the reader follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as “pressure”, “children”, and “academic success” too often. You can sometimes use “this”, “such pressure”, “young people”, or “school results” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence is easy to read. For example, write “a better university can lead to better job chances” instead of joining several ideas in one long sentence.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view to the end: this kind of pressure is harmful.
task response
You include useful reasons, such as fear about jobs and the wish for a safe future.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and match your main argument.
coherence and cohesion
The two body paragraphs have different jobs: one explains the cause, and the other explains the bad effects.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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