Manufacturers should be legally required to make products that can be repaired easily instead of encouraging consumers to replace them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is often argued that
manufacturers
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should be legally required to make
products
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that can be repaired easily
instead
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of encouraging consumers to replace them.
However
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, I personally agree with
this
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view
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because it can reduce environmental
waste
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and help conserve natural
resources
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.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason why I agree with
this
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view
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is that making
products
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easier to
repair
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can reduce environmental
waste
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.
This
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is mainly because people can continue using damaged
products
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instead
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of throwing them away and buying new ones.
In other words
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, repairing
products
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can reduce the amount of unwanted items that end up in landfills.
For example
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, a consumer may
repair
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a damaged smartphone
instead
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of replacing it with a new one.
As a result
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, less electronic
waste
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can be produced
and
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, and
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environmental pollution can be reduced.
Therefore
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, I believe that
manufacturers
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should make
products
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easier to
repair
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another important reason why I agree with
this
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view
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is that repairable
products
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can help conserve natural
resources
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.
This
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is because producing new
products
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requires raw materials,
while
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repairing existing
products
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reduces the need for new materials.
For instance
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, if people
repair
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household appliances
instead
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of replacing them,
manufacturers
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may need fewer raw materials to produce completely new
products
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.
Consequently
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, pressure on natural
resources
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can be reduced.
Therefore
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, I strongly agree with
this
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view
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly agree with the
view
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that
manufacturers
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should be legally required to make
products
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that can be
repaired easily
Correct word order
easily repaired
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.
This
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is mainly because it can reduce environmental
waste
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and help conserve natural
resources
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.

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Task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you keep the same view in all parts. To make the answer stronger, explain why a law is needed, not only why repair is good. For example, say that some firms may not choose easy repair unless the law asks them to do so.
Task response
Give one more side of the issue and answer it. For example, easy repair may make some goods cost more at first, but it can save money and cut waste over time. This will make your view more full and fair.
Task response
Your examples are on topic, but they are quite general. Add real detail: phone parts, repair shops, or the cost of a new part. This can make your main ideas more clear and strong.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, two main parts, and end. Keep this shape, but make the two main parts less alike by using a wider range of links, such as "Also", "As well as this", or "This means that".
Coherence and cohesion
Some lines repeat the same point, such as saying that you agree at the end of each main part. Use that space to add a new reason, detail, or result instead.
Coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are clear, but many are used in the same way: "This is because", "For example", and "Therefore". Try to join ideas with more direct links so the writing feels less planned and more smooth.
Task response
You answer the full question and make your view clear: firms should be made by law to allow easy repair.
Task response
The two main ideas are relevant and useful: less waste and less use of raw materials.
Coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one clear main idea, an explanation, and an example. This makes the essay easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
The start and end match well, and the end gives a clear short summary of your main ideas.
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