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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Is it better for children to play outside rather than spend time on computers?

3.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
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Introduction
Nowadays, it is
such
Linking Words
 a crucial
topics
Fix the agreement mistake
topic
show examples
 to discuss. I believe that it is better for
children
Use synonyms
 to play outside rather than spend
time
Use synonyms
 on computers, because it promotes engagement with society and reduces
screen
Correct article usage
the screen
show examples
 effect on
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, playing outside
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 concentration and
build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
show examples
 confidence
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
relationship
Check wording
relationships
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 with others.
This
Linking Words
 is because engagement with surroundings
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 some connection between real life and
virtuality
Replace the word
virtual
 life.
For example
Linking Words
, kids who try to play on the grass, talk with others about different topics and immerse themselves in cycling and swimming activities, it will enhance their spiritual development .
Therefore
Linking Words
, parents should always encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to play together and engage in new activities,
such
Linking Words
 as soccer and volleyball.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who spend
time
Use synonyms
 on computers will
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
 their communication skills and become lonely.
Body paragraph 3
In other words
Linking Words
,
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 will create
problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
 in talking activities and difficulty
to memorise
Change preposition
in memorising
show examples
 details, because
the virtuality
Replace the word
virtual
 reality
higher
Verb problem
is higher
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 than reality.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 like Call of Duty create more aggressive
children
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 in general, other games affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their eyes.
As a result
Linking Words
, parents should
limited
Wrong verb form
limit
show examples
 the
time
Use synonyms
consume
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 on
computer
Check wording
computers
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 and stimulate their
children
Use synonyms
 to play outside.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
 outside must
Verb problem
be
show examples
with reliable people, engage with good circumstances and
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 on computers must be
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
short period of
time
Use synonyms
 to balance their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that the
time
Use synonyms
 spent should be arranged depending on their ability, activity, and performance.

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task response
State your main view clearly in the first paragraph and keep the same view to the end. Your last paragraph says that time should depend on the child, so it sounds less clear than your first view.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain how outdoor play helps children make friends, feel strong, and learn to work with others. Then explain why too much computer time can harm health or reduce real talk.
task response
Use examples that directly prove each point. For example, a child can learn team work in football, while long game time may stop a child from meeting friends face to face.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph about outdoor play, one paragraph about computer time, and conclusion. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Keep all the next lines about that idea. In the first body paragraph, the link between real life and virtual life is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore” can show the order of your ideas. Do not use too many links in one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences clear and complete. For example, say “Children who spend too much time on computers may lose communication skills and feel lonely.” Clear sentences help the reader follow your meaning.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear main view that outdoor play is better for children.
task response
You give two relevant reasons: outdoor play can help social life, and too much computer time can cause health and social problems.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “On the one hand”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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