IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes relatively large number of young adults, comparedd with the number of the older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the advantages?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
There is no denying the fact that the younger generation is crucial to a nation's future.
Body paragraph 1
While
Linking Words
 it is commonly believed that having a large proportion of young adults can contribute significantly to a country's
development
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 a demographic structure may
also
Linking Words
 create certain social and economic challenges. In my opinion, the advantages of having a relatively young population outweigh the disadvantages.
Body paragraph 2
On one hand, young people have the ability and passion to boost the wheel of their country's
development
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, they have the time and mental plus physical power to contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
development
Use synonyms
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 society.
In addition
Linking Words
, their ability of problem solving has an extreme value in terms of innovations.
For example
Linking Words
, every year, universities around the globe graduate
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
 number of students in different majors, and these students
later, will
Correct word order
will later
show examples
 be involved in the workforce
which eventually
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
where they
show examples
 will
create
Rephrase
eventually create
show examples
 miracles and impressive
working
Check wording
achievements
show examples
 in their country.
Body paragraph 3
On
another
Correct determiner usage
the other
show examples
 hand, young people do not possess the wisdom and experience to lead in difficult circumstances. It is possible to say that seniors have developed throughout the years the knowledge to tackle
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 of issues in different majors.
For instance
Linking Words
, governments tend to hire a well experienced old people in sensitive
positions
Punctuation problem
positions,
show examples
such
Linking Words
 is ministry of
economics
Capitalize the proper name
Economics
show examples
 or
ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
show examples
 of education
instead
Linking Words
 of
junior
Correct article usage
a junior
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 has just started
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 career.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, there is no black and white regarding
this
Linking Words
 matter. On balance,
however
Linking Words
, I tend to believe that young adults has major influence on the
development
Use synonyms
 and success of a nation.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your view is clear: you think the good points are stronger than the bad points. However, explain this more fully. Show why young workers help a country more than the lack of old people's skill hurts it.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear cause and result. For example, say that more young workers can pay tax, start new work, and support an old population.
task response
Your examples are too general. Give one clear example of a young person or group making a new idea, job, or service, and explain its effect.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make the flow better, make each first sentence state the main point of its paragraph in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with care. 'On one hand' and 'On another hand' work well, but the second part should make it clear that this is a bad point before you compare it with the good point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Break them into two or three short sentences. This will make your ideas easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as 'development' and 'young people' many times in one part. Use simple other words, such as 'growth', 'the country', or 'this group', when the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer the main question and give a clear opinion in both the start and the end.
task response
You include both sides of the issue: the strength and energy of young adults, and the skill and life knowledge of older people.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraph plan is easy to see, and the main ideas are put in a sensible order.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and final paragraph help the reader understand your main view.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: