IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is widely considered that the most fundamental necessity for
people
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 is good
health
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 , and some
people
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 argue that medical services should not be operated by profit-making organisations. From my perspective, private
health
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 care has more advantages than disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most significant benefits of private
health
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 care is that they provide higher quality services and efficiency. Since private
health
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clinics
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 compete with each other to attract patients, they evolve their service, hire professional doctors and invest in modern technology.
Additionally
Linking Words
, unlike public hospitals , private
clinics
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 operate faster , and there is no long waiting queue.
For example
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, in public hospitals,
people
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 should wait two or three days to obtain an appointment;
however
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, in private
clinics
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,
people
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 can reserve places by calling the administration in a few minutes.
Therefore
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, private
clinics
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 have a better impression on society than public
clinics
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.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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, private
clinics
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 has its own drawbacks. The main concern is that
higher quality
Correct your spelling
higher-quality
 treatment can only depend on the financial status of the public. A wealthy community can only afford higher-quality treatment from professionals because every procedure and appointment costs a huge amount of money.
However
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,
people
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 with poor remuneration cannot afford better treatment, which can lead to social stratification.
For instance
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, since rich
people
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 only visit private
clinics
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, there is a belief that public hospitals are only for the poor .
As a result
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, it leads to social discrimination.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 private
clinics
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 are expensive and not everyone can access them, in my opinion its benefits outweigh the drawbacks as they provide higher quality service and analysis.
As a result
Linking Words
, private
health
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 care organisations will always be preferred by the community.

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task response
You answer the question clearly and give your view from the start. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully why the good points are more important than the bad points. For example, say why fast care and better tools are worth the fact that poor people may not get the same care.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: private care can be faster and may give better care, but it can cost too much. Be careful with broad claims such as private care always gives better care. Explain that this may happen because private places can spend more on staff and tools.
task response
Your examples are easy to understand, but they are not very strong. The claim that people wait two or three days in public hospitals may not be true in all places. Use a more general example, such as a patient who can pay for a quick test at a private clinic while another patient must wait longer in a public hospital.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: an opening, one good point, one bad point, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow. In the last paragraph, link your final view more directly to both body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use words such as 'Additionally', 'However', 'For example', and 'As a result' well, but some links are not exact. For example, a better idea is: 'This may create a divide between rich and poor people,' rather than saying it directly leads to discrimination.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same idea. You move between 'private health care', 'private clinics', and 'private health care organisations'. Choose one main term, such as 'private health care', and use it through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences need clearer grammar so the reader can follow them. For example, write 'private clinics have their own drawbacks' and 'private clinics operate faster'. Also write 'their benefits outweigh the drawbacks', not 'its benefits'.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the opening and keep this opinion in the ending.
task response
You discuss both sides of the issue, so the reader can see why this is a balanced answer.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, and the examples are placed after the main point.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending are both present, and the essay is easy to follow overall.
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