IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is widely argued that good health is essential for everyone, and that
healthcare
Use synonyms
services
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 should not be controlled by private companies for profit.
Although
Linking Words
 private
healthcare
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 has disadvantages, I believe that its advantages considerably outweigh its disadvantages in terms of finance and time.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main advantages of private
healthcare
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 is that it can provide better-quality medical
services
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. As private
clinics
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 compete to attract more
patients
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, they try to improve their
services
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, hire experienced doctors and use modern medical equipment.
For example
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, private hospitals may invest
cutting-edge
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in cutting-edge
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 technologies and specialists to provide better treatment. Another important benefit is that
patients
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 usually have shorter waiting times. Unlike public hospitals, private
clinics
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 often have fewer
patients
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 and more flexible appointment systems.
For instance
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, a patient may be able to see a doctor within a few days at a private clinic,
while
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 they may have to wait much longer at a public hospital.
Therefore
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, private
healthcare
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 can provide
patients
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 with better
services
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 and faster access to medical treatment.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, private
healthcare
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 can be more expensive than public
healthcare
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. Private
clinics
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 usually charge higher fees because they need to make a profit.
As a result
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, people with low incomes may not be able to afford these
services
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.
For example
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, a patient who needs expensive surgery may have to pay a large amount of money at a private hospital,
while
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 the same treatment may cost much less in a public hospital.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 private
healthcare
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 is more expensive, I believe that its advantages outweigh its disadvantages because it offers better
services
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 and shorter waiting times. Despite costing more than public
clinics
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.

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task response
Your answer has a clear view: private health care has more good points than bad points. To make this view stronger, explain more fully why better care and less waiting are worth the higher cost. You could also say that private care should be a choice, while public care must still be there for poor people.
task response
Your examples fit your main ideas, but they are quite general. Add one more clear detail, such as how fast care can stop a health problem from getting worse, or how new tools can help doctors find a problem early.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. It has an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Use linking words with care, and make the last sentence a full sentence. “Despite costing more than public clinics.” is not complete.
coherence and cohesion
The first main part has two good ideas: better care and less waiting. You could make it even clearer by giving each idea its own paragraph. This would help the reader see your points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “better services” and “private healthcare” too often. You can sometimes use “this kind of care”, “these clinics”, or “medical care” instead.
task response
You answer the main question directly and keep the same view from the first paragraph to the end.
task response
You include both sides: the good points of private care and the problem of high cost.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are in a clear order, and words such as “For example”, “On the other hand”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your answer.
coherence and cohesion
Each main point has an explanation and an example, which makes the writing clear and easy to understand.
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