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Band 4.5

In today’s world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, public debate has been going on over why some
people
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 are investing a lot of
money
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on
Change preposition
in
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 changing their look to become younger. I tend to believe that
this
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 kind of development has
negatively
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a negative
 impact on them in some way, I would discus that in
this
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assay
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essay
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.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why
this
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 trend is occurring. One of the main reasons is a lack of self-confidence.
People
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 who are insecure about their appearance or abilities tend to spend
much
Correct determiner usage
a lot of
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 time and
money
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 to feel acceptable or attractive.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some individuals tend to copy the lifestyle, appearance, and choices of famous
people
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 because they see them as role models,
while
Linking Words
 advertisements play an important role
to expose
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in exposing
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 them to attractive
product
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products
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 and surgery.
For instance
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, some doctors in a beauty clinic act as a toddler,
that is
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 to
say
Punctuation problem
say,
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 they persuade
people
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 to do
this
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 surgery just to earn a lot of
money
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,
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;
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 they do not care if that person really needs it or not.
Lastly
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, …
Body paragraph 2
In my view,
this
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 is a negative development for various factors. The most important one
could
Verb problem
is
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 about the
people
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 who may waste a significant amount of
money
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 on unnecessary cosmetic procedures.
In other words
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, once they start
some
Verb problem
making some
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 changes, they may become dissatisfied and feel the need to do it again in the future;
as a result
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,
this
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 can make a never-ending cycle of spending and dissatisfaction.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I would argue that
this
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 trend is mainly driven by
influence
Correct article usage
the influence
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 of celebrities and lack of self-confidence.
However
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, I believe it can lead to unnecessary spending ,dissatisfaction with one`s appearance, and
lose
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loss
 of
individual
Replace the word
individuality
.

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task response
Answer both parts in full. You give reasons and say it is bad, but the last reason in the first body part is not finished. Add one more clear reason, such as work pressure or fear of getting old.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain how low self-belief leads to spending, and why this spending can harm people. Use one clear example that directly supports the point.
task response
Make your view clear from the start and keep it the same. Say that this is mainly a negative change because it can cause money problems and make people less happy with how they look.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, reasons, your view, and conclusion. This plan is mostly there, but the unfinished point makes the essay feel incomplete.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, move from low self-belief to famous people and ads in a smoother way, with clear links such as “Another reason is” and “As a result.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas joined by commas. Break them into two or three short sentences so the meaning is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. “For instance” should introduce a real example. The point about doctors needs clearer wording and a direct link to people wanting to look younger.
task response
You address both questions: you explain why people want to look younger and clearly state that you see the trend as negative.
task response
Your ideas about low self-belief, famous people, ads, high spending, and unhappiness are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can see your main plan.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful links, such as “Moreover,” “For instance,” “In other words,” and “In conclusion.”
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural and social pressure
  • Youth and beauty glorification
  • Technological advancements
  • Anti-aging treatments
  • Skincare
  • Cosmetic procedures
  • Self-esteem and confidence
  • Self-improvement
  • Self-care
  • Unrealistic beauty standards
  • Superficiality
  • Financial strain
  • Consumption and dissatisfaction
  • Psychological effects
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Body dysmorphobia
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