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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own vegetables and fruit. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is widely considered that open
places
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 and public
parks
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 are being changed so that local
people
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 can cultivate their plant life. From my perspective, environmental changes should have more advantages than disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most significant benefits of public
parks
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into
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and
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gardens
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 is the improvement of the ecosystem.
This
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 is because if residents can grow their own vegetables and fruits, the ecosystem improves , and farmers benefit from the harvest.
Additionally
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, local residents save money because they don’t buy agricultural
products
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 from the market, and eat natural and rich ingredient have
products
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.
For example
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,
people
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 can consume natural
products
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 which they harvest
instead
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 of buying them in a supermarket at a high cost.
Therefore
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, they save their family budget and cultivating together is strengthen connection between family members.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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, the change of open spaces and public
places
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 has its own drawbacks. The main concern is that
gardens
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 in the environment can lead to loss of scenic life. Basically, many
people
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 go to rest at peaceful and calm place. If open spaces and public
parks
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 become
gardens
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 where
people
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 cultivate plants
such
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 as fruits
,
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and
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 vegetables,
as a result
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 it becomes a noisy place because birds are flying, and thefts happen.
For instance
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, older
people
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 choose a restful, picturesque and calm environment because their brain is very tired , so they need to relax somewhere calm.
Additionally
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, older
people
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 want to rest in scenic
places
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 by walking there,
they
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and they
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 want to enjoy the calm atmosphere of public
parks
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. If public
parks
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 are changed into
gardens
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, the area of walking
places
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 will be reduced.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 environmental
places
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 and open spaces are being changed, it is mainly inconvenient for
people
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 who want to have cultural rest and relaxation. In my opinion, its benefit outweigh the drawbacks , as it saves money, and
people
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 eat higher quality natural
products
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.

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task response
State your main view more clearly in the first part: the good points are stronger than the bad points. Keep this same view in the last part.
task response
Explain each main point with a clear link to parks becoming food gardens. For example, say how a shared garden can give people fresh food, save money, and help people know each other.
task response
Some ideas need more care. Farmers may not gain from city gardens, and birds do not make a place noisy in the same way as people. Use reasons that fit the topic well.
task response
Your example about older people is useful, but make it more real and direct. Explain that less space for walking, sitting, and play may make parks less good for rest.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear plan: first give your view, then one good point, then one bad point, and finally repeat your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a direct main sentence. For example: “One clear good point is that local people can get fresh food.”
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas clear. Use simple words such as “because”, “so”, “also”, “however”, and “as a result” only when they show the real link.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view that the good points are stronger.
task response
You give useful ideas about fresh food, lower food costs, family time, and less space for rest and walking.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two main body parts, and a final part.
coherence and cohesion
You use signpost words such as “Additionally”, “Nevertheless”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” to help show the order of your ideas.
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