IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own vegetables and fruit. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is widely considered that entertainment
places
Use synonyms
 and green zones are being changed so that local
people
Use synonyms
 can cultivate their flora plants. From my perspective, environmental changes should have more advantages than disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most significant benefits is being changed into a garden. If residents can grow their own vegetables and fruits, the ecosystem improves , and farmers benefit from the harvest.
Additionally
Linking Words
, local residents save money because they don’t buy agricultural
products
Use synonyms
 from the market,
eat
Correct word choice
and eat
show examples
 natural and rich ingredient have
products
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, usual environmental
places
Use synonyms
 and gardens have only trees, landscapes and lawn. They indicate uniformity, and there are not ecosystem,
does not
Change preposition
with no
show examples
 different types of bees that pollinate.
As a result
Linking Words
, there are not more oxygen and the weather is getting warmer day by day.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, open spaces and public
places
Use synonyms
 are being changed , which has its own drawbacks. The main concern is that planting fruits and vegetables in the environment can lead to loss of scenic life. Basically, many
people
Use synonyms
 go to rest at peaceful and calm place. If
people
Use synonyms
 cultivate plants
such
Linking Words
 as fruits
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 vegetables, there are it becomes a noisy place because birds are flying, and thefts happen.
For instance
Linking Words
, older
people
Use synonyms
 choose a restful , picturesque and calm environment because their brain is very tired. Agricultural
products
Use synonyms
 should grow in a special place, in a field.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 environmental
places
Use synonyms
 and open spaces are being changed, it is mainly inconvenient for adults. In my opinion, its benefit outweigh the drawbacks , as it saves money, and
people
Use synonyms
eats
Correct subject-verb agreement
eat
show examples
 higher quality natural
products
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the main question more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that the good points are stronger, then give two clear reasons.
task response
Keep your ideas close to the topic. The topic is about public parks and open spaces, not all green places or entertainment places.
task response
Explain each main point with a clear link. For example, growing food can save money and bring fresh food. It can also help people meet and work together.
task response
Your example about bees, oxygen, and warmer weather is not clear and is not well linked to the point. Use a simple, real example of a local garden instead.
task response
Make the bad points fair but short. A garden may take space from play, rest, or walking. Then explain why these problems can be managed.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion. Your essay has this plan, but the ideas inside each paragraph need a clearer order.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. Do not put many different ideas in the same sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully: 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. Make sure each link shows the right relation between the ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as 'it', 'there', and 'environmental places' when the reader may not know what you mean. Repeat key words like 'public parks', 'gardens', and 'residents'.
coherence and cohesion
Make your conclusion match your main view. You say the change is inconvenient for adults, but then say the good points are stronger. State this more clearly.
task response
You give a clear personal view that the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
You discuss both sides of the question, including fresh food and lower cost on one side, and less calm space on the other.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'Additionally', 'Nevertheless', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: