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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. To what extent do you agree with this?

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Introduction
Money is commonly believed
Linking Words
such
Verb problem
to be
show examples
 an essential reason
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
human's
Check wording
human
show examples
happiness
Use synonyms
 and
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
.
Affording
Change preposition
According
show examples
 to
purchase an
Wrong verb form
purchasing
show examples
 expensive goods for your
surrounding
Replace the word
surroundings
 can make them happier.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
material things can't help you find a
life
Use synonyms
-long
love
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 one of
a clue
Fix the agreement mistake
the clues
show examples
 to
happiness
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 possibility of spending money you have earned on getting presents for valuable friends and family is one of the
love
Use synonyms
 languages.
Due to
Linking Words
good
Correct article usage
the good
show examples
 financial situation is influencing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
your family
life
Use synonyms
 to make
better
Correct pronoun usage
it better
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, a woman who gave
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
birth to a child
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
goes
show examples
 through pregnancy and now is trying to recover
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 all
injuries
Correct article usage
the injuries
show examples
 she got, so
that a
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 man wants his wife to feel better and apart from a mentall
support
Punctuation problem
support,
show examples
 he rewards her by buying her a
dreamed
Replace the word
dream
 gift that will definitely make her feels trilled.
As a result
Linking Words
,
foot
Wrong verb form
footing
show examples
 the bill for material staff
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 an important impact on making
happier
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
a close circle of friends and family
.
Correct word order
happier.
show examples
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
Use synonyms
 is not only a material value, as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
humans we have
feelings
Punctuation problem
feelings,
show examples
 one of which is
love
Use synonyms
.
Love
Use synonyms
 is a
self evident
Correct your spelling
self-evident
 essential emotion that
effects on human's
Correct word order
affects the human
show examples
 brain and
put
Correct subject-verb agreement
puts
show examples
 us in a good mood.
Use synonyms
Life long
Correct your spelling
Lifelong
love
Use synonyms
 can't be purchased by people from all walks of
life
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, many successful
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 but single men have an enormous amount of wealth,
such
Linking Words
 as Igor Sinhala
is
Verb problem
,
show examples
 a
well-known
Punctuation problem
well-known,
show examples
 rich but unfortunate person who desperately wants to find a couple, tells us about
impossibility
Correct article usage
the impossibility
show examples
 of
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 for it and
have
Correct word choice
how
show examples
 his single
life
Use synonyms
 badly influence on his
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
.
Conclusion
In my point of view, buying a deep feeling
such
Linking Words
us
Use the right word
as
show examples
happiness
Use synonyms
 is unachievable through
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money. I strongly agree that
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
 can get
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 non-materialistic things.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. You say money can help, but you also say it cannot buy love. Tell the reader how far you agree from the start.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain why money can make life easier, for example by paying for food, a home, health care, or time with family. Then explain why love, health, and close people may matter more.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The example about the man and his wife is very long and hard to follow. The named rich man is not explained well, so it does not help your point.
task response
Your last part gives your view, but it is too short. Sum up both sides and repeat your main view in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: first part with your view; one part on how money helps; one part on why it is not enough; last part with a short summary.
coherence and cohesion
Make each part focus on one idea. In the first main part, stay with money and family life. In the next main part, stay with love and other non-money parts of life.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clear way: 'First', 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In short'. Do not add a link if the next sentence does not clearly follow the last one.
coherence and cohesion
Write shorter sentences. Some sentences have many ideas, which makes the meaning hard to follow. For example, split the long sentence about the wife into two or three simple sentences.
task response
You answer both sides of the question: money can help people feel happy, but love cannot be bought.
task response
Your own view is clear at the end: you believe happiness mainly comes from non-money things.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic order: an opening, a part about money, a part about love, and a final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links, such as 'To begin with', 'For instance', 'However', and 'As a result'.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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