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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. To what extent do you agree with this?

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Introduction
Money
Use synonyms
 is commonly believed to be an essential reason for human happiness and well-being.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a society
consists
Verb problem
believes
show examples
 that purchasing expensive goods for their surroundings can make them happier.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that material things can't help you find a lifelong
love
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 one of the clues to a good life.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the possibility of spending
money
Use synonyms
 you have earned on getting presents for valuable people is one of the
love
Use synonyms
 languages. The good financial situation is influencing the quality of life significantly.
For instance
Linking Words
, buying fresh groceries, new clothes, and having higher daily expenses help to be more cheerful, because you consume better food, can get any items you crave and spend
money
Use synonyms
 more often without damaging your budget.
Also
Linking Words
,
money
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 helps with emergency situations,
such
Linking Words
 as paying for medical bills
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 affording
this
Linking Words
 will help someone to get better.
As a result
Linking Words
, footing the bill for material staff has an important impact on making a close circle of friends and family happy.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 alone cannot make people happy because
love
Use synonyms
 and close relationships cannot be bought.
Love
Use synonyms
 is a
Body paragraph 3
self-evident essential emotion that we need since we were born.
This
Linking Words
 emotion makes us feel fulfilled
Body paragraph 4
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
and long-term
Correct word choice
Long-term
show examples
 relationships give us a strong awareness of reliability. Lifelong
love
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 can't be purchased by people from all walks of life.
For example
Linking Words
, a number of the elderly with an enormous amount of wealth and good financial conditions
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are single and suffering from
this
Linking Words
 issue for decades.
Body paragraph 5
Because unfortunately any
Correct word order
Unfortunately, no money can
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 can not buy a true relationship that brings us family well-being.
Body paragraph 6
So, a person who is used to getting desires through
money
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 feels disappointed
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 unbribable human emotions.
Conclusion
In conclusion, from my point of view, buying a deep feeling
such
Linking Words
 as happiness is unachievable through
money
Use synonyms
. Having an opportunity to buy items is incredible, but never the most important part of a human's wellbeing. I strongly agree that a person can get personal fulfilment from non-materialistic things.

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task response
Make your main view more exact in the first part. Say that money is important for a safe and healthy life, but it is not the main source of happiness.
task response
Develop each main point with one clear reason and one clear example. The points about food, clothes, gifts, and medical care are useful, but they need to link more directly to happiness.
task response
Use a more real and clear example in the second main part. For example, explain how a rich old person may feel alone without family or close friends.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from gifts to daily needs to medical care, so it can feel too wide. Group these ideas under one point: money gives safety and comfort.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, such as “This means that”, “For this reason”, and “In contrast”. Do not repeat “To begin with” at the start of more than one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter and more direct. For example, write “Money can pay for food, housing, and health care. These things reduce stress and can improve daily life.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very strong or unclear phrases such as “unbribable human emotions” and “material staff”. Use simple words like “true feelings” and “material things” instead.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give your own view: money can help, but love and close relationships are more important for happiness.
task response
You include relevant ideas about basic needs, health care, family, and love. These are all connected to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two main body parts with different views, and a closing paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
The contrast between the value of money and the value of love is easy to see, especially with “However” and the final summary.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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