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Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
These days, public debate
going
Verb problem
is going
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over
Change preposition
apply
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on
whether
Change preposition
about whether
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young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation spending daily significant
Use synonyms
time
Check wording
amount of time
show examples
on
Rephrase
daily on
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 their
smartphones
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.
This
Linking Words
assay
Use the right word
essay
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 will examine the main causes of
this
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 issue and discuss why
this
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 negative situation.
Body paragraph 1
There are
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
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 of causes for
tis
Correct your spelling
this
 matter. To start with,
children
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spending
Wrong verb form
spend
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 hours on
smartphones
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 because they have free
time
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.
That is
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 to say, if they have
tough
Correct article usage
a tough
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 day, they may not have
time
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 to playing in their phone.
For instance
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,
children
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in
Change preposition
at
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this
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 age need to be busy
of
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apply
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learning new things or doing activities,
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due to
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because
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 they easily
feeling
Wrong verb form
feel
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 bored.
Moreover
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,
parents
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 play an important role on daily routine of their
children
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.
In other words
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, if their
parents
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 have
demanding
Correct article usage
a demanding
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 schedule
;
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,
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such
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 as
,
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apply
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 long working hours, busy
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
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,
even
Correct word choice
or even
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 traveling they may leave
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children
Correct determiner usage
their children
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 using their
smartphones
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 without monitoring
time
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.
Lastly
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, some
children
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 have
this
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 issue as a habit
,
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;
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 they get used to using tablets and
ipads
Capitalize the proper name
iPads
show examples
 from
early
Correct article usage
an early
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 stage.
For example
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,
parents
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 gave
smartphones
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 to control their
children
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 when they
start
Wrong verb form
started
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 crying , to keep them quiet.
That is
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 started to controlling on
children
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` behaivours
then
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 become complicated to manage.
Body paragraph 2
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 hand, I tend to believe that using
smartphones
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in
Change preposition
for
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 hours has a negative impact on
children
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 mentally and socially. The major reason why I believe
that is
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Use synonyms
children
Correct word choice
that children
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 who use digitals much
time
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 they loss the communecations skills.
That is
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 to say, that leads to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of social skills
whether
Punctuation problem
, whether
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 a child was extravert. In real
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 they can not act like a normal child
they
Punctuation problem
; they
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a
Verb problem
are a
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bit shy or quiet and always tend to be alone on their
ipad
Capitalize the proper name
iPad
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, they may lose a lot of power and energy to going out or the patient to learn new things.
As a result
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, some
children
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 lose
passionate
Replace the word
passion
 to attend their class or
meeting
Wrong verb form
meet
show examples
 people.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in terms of how
parents
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 reinforce their
children
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, I would say that
,
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apply
show examples
 the majority of
responsible of
Replace the word
responsibility for
children
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 in their
parents
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. I would argue that using
smartphones
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 as a daily routine has an effect on
Use synonyms
children`
Check wording
children's
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 personalities.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear reasons for phone use, such as games, videos, friends, and parents being busy. Then explain more clearly why you think it is bad.
task response
Make your main view clear in the first paragraph. Say that this is a negative change because it can harm children’s health, social life, and school work.
task response
Develop each point with a simple cause and result. For example, too much screen time can mean less play outside, so children may have fewer chances to make friends.
task response
Use examples that directly support your point. The example about busy parents is useful, but explain how this leads to long phone use each day.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: causes first, then negative effects, then a conclusion. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main sentence. For example: “One reason is that many parents are too busy to watch their children.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “because”, “so”, “also”, “for example”, and “as a result”. Do not repeat “That is to say” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the idea changes too fast. Write shorter sentences and check that each sentence has a clear subject and verb.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion shorter and clearer. Restate your view and the two main bad results, rather than adding a new idea about parents.
task response
You discuss both the reasons for children’s phone use and whether this is a good or bad change.
task response
Your view is clear: you believe long daily phone use is harmful for children.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking phrases, such as “For instance”, “Moreover”, “In addition”, and “As a result”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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