IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that are scientifically proven to be bad for health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some
people
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 argue that shops should not sell junk
food
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 or energy
drinks
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, which are linked to diabetes and high blood pressure.
As a result
Linking Words
, these
products
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 can contribute to serious illness and long-term disability. I half agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because
such
Linking Words
food
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 causes health problems when eaten regularly.
Body paragraph 1
Eating junk
food
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 can be highly addictive
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 most
people
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 do not notice it because it is normalised. I think the government should tax junk
food
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 and run advertising campaigns to encourage
people
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 to make healthier choices. Higher prices tend to change buying habits, as many
people
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 reconsider a daily purchase once it becomes noticeably more expensive. A complete ban would be difficult to enforce, since
people
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 would simply buy these
products
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elsewhere
Linking Words
 or turn to unregulated sellers. Society has contributed to
this
Linking Words
 problem, since life moves quickly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 many
people
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 do not have the time to cook. Banning these
products
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 would leave them with fewer options rather than better ones.
Body paragraph 2
Restrictions can be justified in some cases. Energy
drinks
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,
for example
Linking Words
, should not be sold to children
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 in the same way that alcohol and tobacco are already age-restricted. Children are still growing, and large amounts of caffeine can affect their sleep and concentration at school. Age limits are
therefore
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 the best approach, since these
drinks
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 are addictive.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. Banning unhealthy
products
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 entirely would be impractical, but age restrictions on energy
drinks
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, combined with taxation and public health campaigns, would be a more effective approach.

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task response
Your view is clear: you partly agree. To make it stronger, say more clearly why shops should still be free to sell these foods to adults. You can also explain why tax and age rules may work better than a full ban.
task response
Some points need more support. For example, explain how a tax can lead people to buy less junk food, or give one short real-life example. Also, be careful with the claim that energy drinks are addictive; explain that it is mainly the caffeine that can cause this problem.
task response
You answer both sides of the question, but the first body paragraph has many ideas: tax, ads, bans, busy lives, and illegal sales. Choose fewer ideas and explain each one more fully.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: your view, reasons against a full ban, a case for limits, and a final answer. Keep this plan, but give each body paragraph one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example, begin the first body paragraph with a topic sentence such as: “A full ban is not the best answer for adults.” Then add the points about price, time, and other sellers.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “I think” and “this statement” too often. Use simple links such as “However”, “For this reason”, “In contrast”, and “As a result” to show how one idea leads to the next.
task response
You give a direct and balanced answer from the start and keep the same view in the end.
task response
Your ideas are relevant. The points about tax, public ads, and rules for children fit the question well.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both clear, and the conclusion gives a practical answer rather than only repeating the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your example of limiting energy drinks for children is easy to understand and is linked well to sleep and school work.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • personal choice
  • a total ban
  • high in sugar
  • high in salt
  • high in fat
  • processed food
  • junk food
  • warning label
  • health risk
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • the health care system
  • to protect children
  • to reduce harm
  • to make informed choices
  • to limit ads
  • daily habits
  • in moderation
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