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Band 4.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Community facilities that are
given
Verb problem
provided
show examples
 by unpaid volunteers . It's a form of social solidarity that any group of people need ,but in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 the fact of forcing teenagers into a known or new work will give us more negatives than positives. In my essay today
I
Punctuation problem
, I
show examples
will be willing to give the reasons why forcing high school students
in
Change preposition
to do
show examples
 unpaid community service by making it a compulsory part of school education is the wrong way of building a healthy community.
Body paragraph 1
In the beginning ,
why
Rephrase
apply
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I don’t agree with the idea of forcing students
in volunteering
Wrong verb form
to volunteer
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.
First
Punctuation problem
First,
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 because whenever a person does not accept
to do
Wrong verb form
doing
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 something
from
Change preposition
for
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 himself ,he always makes
things
Use synonyms
 worse than before . So what do you think when it comes to a teenager
that's
Correct pronoun usage
who's
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 a lost and angry creature?He will just make
things
Use synonyms
 as
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
show examples
 a disaster .
Second,
Linking Words
high school students don’t need more requirements to graduate
they
Punctuation problem
; they
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 have a long list of
things
Use synonyms
 to do for
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 next mission .So requiring more
things
Use synonyms
 for them will
drag
Verb problem
drive
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 them crazy . Founding themselves from a cute child to a responsible
grown up
Correct your spelling
grown-up
 is not that easy .
Body paragraph 2
As a solution to the problem of forcing teens to volunteer . We can make it more choicable and fun in many ways . The first solution is
make
Verb problem
to make
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 the teens join a group or parties of their age and add some entertainment side with the main work .
This
Linking Words
 will make them unbored and
willed
Replace the word
willing
 to join to meet new friends .
Linking Words
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
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 treat them
will
Rephrase
well
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 and give them a small push to
front
Correct article usage
the front
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 with a meal or drink . Whenever you consider these
solutions
Punctuation problem
solutions,
show examples
 you will find the communities more
stack
Wrong verb form
stacked
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 with each other in a healthy society .
Conclusion
In conclusion , I am relieved to say that
human
Correct article usage
a human
show examples
 being is a smart creature that can’t be forced to do something in its best form without
his
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 agreement.
However
Linking Words
, if you try
you
Punctuation problem
, you
show examples
 will not find a solution
rather
Correct word choice
, but rather
show examples
than
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 convincing
.
Correct pronoun usage
one.
show examples

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task response
State your view in one clear sentence at the start: you disagree because forced work can make students less willing and can add too much stress.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. Explain how forced service may lead to poor work, then give a real or clear made-up school example.
task response
The question asks about compulsory service. Your third paragraph is mostly about ways to make service fun. Link these ideas back to your view: say that choice-based service is better than forced service.
task response
Use more specific examples. For example, a student with tests and family work may not have time for weekly service, while a student who chooses a project may work harder.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two body parts, and an ending. Make the body plan stronger: use one paragraph for each reason, then a short paragraph about your better idea.
coherence and cohesion
Start paragraphs with clear topic sentences. For example: “The first problem is that forced work may not help the community.” Then explain this point before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a natural way: “First,” “Also,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “However.” Avoid long sentences with many ideas joined together.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the key idea. Use “unpaid community service” or “voluntary work” throughout, rather than changing to unclear phrases such as “community facilities.”
task response
You give a clear overall view against making unpaid community service required at school.
task response
You offer an alternative idea: make service more enjoyable and based on choice.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion, and the reader can see your main direction.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful order words, such as “First,” “Second,” and “In conclusion.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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