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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. To what extent do you agree withh this?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
In today's capitalistic world, wealth is often considered the main contributor to
happiness
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. Even though
money
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 matters, I agree with
this
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 view to a limited extent, and I will elaborate on my point in
this
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 essay.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, individuals need
money
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 to cover their basic necessities,
such
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 as housing, rent, and bills. If they are not able to support their family financially, they definitely feel guilty and miserable.
Furthermore
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, a human being tends to improve their standards of living,
such
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 as purchasing a modern house or a luxurious car, travelling abroad, or studying overseas. These actions, which require a great deal of
money
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, make people happy and satisfied with their lives.
Thus
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, being wealthy is a privilege at some points in life.
Body paragraph 2
Even so, there are several other considerations that can outweigh wealth.
Firstly
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, without physical and mental health, people cannot be fully content. If a person has a serious illness, he most likely spends the
money
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 on his health,
instead
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 of the things that bring
happiness
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.
Secondly
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, job satisfaction
also
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 plays an important role. Doing a job that does not align with their inner values, people might feel overwhelmed, even if they are paid well.
As a result
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, they might become anxious and stressed, even get into depression, which deteriorates their relationship with their families and friends.
Therefore
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,
money
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 does not guarantee genuine
happiness
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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money
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 can guarantee a comfortable lifestyle and
overall
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 satisfaction to some extent, I firmly believe that real
happiness
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 comes from
overall
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 well-being, a contented family and fulfilling work.

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Task response
Your view is clear: money matters, but it is not the main source of happiness. To make the answer stronger, explain more clearly why health, family, and work can matter more than money.
Task response
Add one short real-life example. For example, a person with a high-paid job may still feel unhappy if they have poor health or no time for family.
Task response
The point about a better home, car, travel, and study is useful, but say that these things may bring short-term pleasure, not always deep happiness.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear plan: money first, then other parts of life, then a conclusion. Keep this strong order.
Coherence and cohesion
Use links more carefully in the second body part. For example: “In contrast, health is more important because...” This will make the change from money to other factors smoother.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hold many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences, especially the sentence about stress, depression, and family and friends.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point of view in each sentence. Do not move between “a person”, “people”, “their”, and “he” in the same idea.
Task response
You answer the question directly and give a balanced view. Your main idea stays clear from the start to the end.
Task response
Your ideas are relevant: basic needs, a better life, health, job satisfaction, and family all relate well to happiness.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, and the conclusion brings your view together well.
Coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, “Even so”, “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion”.
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