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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Introduction
In many cultures,
children
Use synonyms
 are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
This
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 message can have some advantages, but it can
also
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 cause some problems.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both sides of
this
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 idea.
Body paragraph 1
One important advantage is that
children
Use synonyms
 can become more confident and motivated. When parents tell their
children
Use synonyms
 that they can achieve their goals,
children
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 may believe more in themselves. They may
also
Linking Words
 be willing to study harder and continue trying when they face difficulties.
For example
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, a student who gets low marks in a subject may continue studying because they believe that they can improve with more practice.
This
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 can help
children
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 develop a positive attitude towards their future.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 message can
also
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 have some disadvantages.
Children
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 may start to believe that hard work is the only thing needed to become successful.
However
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, success can
also
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 depend on ability, opportunities and other situations. If
children
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 work very hard but still fail to achieve their goals, they may feel disappointed or think that they are not good enough. Another problem is that some
children
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 may feel too much pressure from their parents. They may spend too much time studying and not have enough time to relax or enjoy their childhood.
Conclusion
In conclusion, telling
children
Use synonyms
 that they can achieve anything through hard work can increase their confidence and motivation

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task response
You cover both the good and bad sides, and your main ideas are clear. However, the last sentence stops early. Add a full ending that sums up both sides and gives your own final view.
task response
Give more detail about why this message can help children. For example, explain how trying again can teach them to deal with hard times, not only get better marks.
task response
Your bad side is useful, but it could be more fully shown. Explain that children need to know hard work is important, while skill, chance, money, health, and help from others can also matter.
task response
Use one more clear real-life example. For instance, a child may train hard for a sports team but still not be picked because there are only a few places.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: start, good side, bad side, and ending. Keep this plan, but make sure every part is finished.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are clear, such as “For example” and “On the other hand”. You can also use simple links like “As a result”, “Because of this”, and “In this way” to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
The main points in each paragraph are easy to find. Add one more sentence after each main point to explain it more deeply before moving to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
In the last paragraph, do not only repeat the good side. Also name the bad side, then end with a balanced view, such as telling children to work hard but also accept that not every goal is possible.
task response
You answer the full question by writing about both advantages and disadvantages.
task response
Your example of a student with low marks is clear and fits your point about hope and hard work.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one clear main idea, so the reader can follow your writing easily.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph breaks and simple linking words to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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