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Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advanatages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Introduction
In some cultures,
children
Use synonyms
 are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
This
Linking Words
 topic is important in many cultures.
This
Linking Words
 message has both advantages and disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most important advantages is that
children
Use synonyms
 can become more confident and trust themselves.
Also
Linking Words
, they can develop their willpower.
For example
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 take part in a competition, they need to
work
Use synonyms
 hard to achieve their goals.
This
Linking Words
 can improve their willpower and confidence because they learn not to give up when they face difficulties.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 message
also
Linking Words
 has some disadvantages. If
children
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 too hard at a young age, they might become stressed.
In addition
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 may lose part of their childhood because they do not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to enjoy themselves.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 should have enough free
time
Use synonyms
 to play games and spend
time
Use synonyms
 with their friends
instead
Linking Words
 of always studying or working hard.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
 should
work
Use synonyms
 hard, but they should not
work
Use synonyms
 too hard. They should
also
Linking Words
 have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to enjoy their childhood. In my opinion, working hard is a good thing if
children
Use synonyms
 can have a balance between achieving their goals and enjoying their lives.

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Task response
Answer both parts more fully. Explain why this message can help children, but also why it can be harmful when a child cannot reach a goal.
Task response
Your main ideas are clear: hard work can build trust and strength, while too much work can cause stress. Add one more clear idea, such as the fact that some goals need time, help, or skill as well as hard work.
Task response
Make your examples more real and full. For example, describe a child who trains for a race, does not win, but still learns from the work.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: start, good points, bad points, and end. Keep this plan in future writing.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. You use “Also”, “For example”, “On the other hand”, and “In addition” well. Try not to start too many lines in the same way.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the link between each point and the topic more clear. After each example, add a short line that says how it shows the good or bad side of the message.
Coherence and cohesion
The first two lines repeat the topic. Use the second line to give your main view instead, so the start is more direct.
Task response
You answer both the good and bad sides of the message, and your final view is clear: children need a balance between work and play.
Task response
Your examples fit the topic well. The competition example supports the good side, and free time with friends supports the bad side.
Coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, so the reader can follow your essay easily.
Coherence and cohesion
You use a clear ending that brings your ideas together and gives your own view.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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