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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people around the world use social media every day to keep in touch with other people and get news events. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is widely considered that currently social
media
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 is being utilised by a mass of
people
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 in order to communicate with other
people
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 and be aware of news events. From my perspective,
this
Linking Words
 trend involves more benefits than drawbacks as it reduces the difficulties of distance.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most significant is that it has erased the boundaries of distance.
People
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 can communicate with a person living far away,
they
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and they
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 can be informed about events taking place in another region.
People
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 don't need to go anywhere to obtain information and communicate with each other. They use social
media
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. It is very comfortable and cheap.
For example
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, students studying abroad frequently don't own a house
due to
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 the high cost of the ticket. As a reason
forthis
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for this
, they often talk to their family by video call.
Therefore
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, using social
media
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 has huge benefits.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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,
people
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 around the world use social
media
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 every day to communicate with others and be aware of news, which has its own drawbacks. The main concern is that generally a lot of using of social
media
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 cause different types of illnesses
such
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 as blurred vision, nervousness and obesity.
Additionally
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, staying informed about a wide range of information causes loss of focus, nervousness and different types of mental illnesses.
For instance
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, the
Zgeneration
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Z-generation
 can not show long videos , and obesity is common among them.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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people
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 using social
media
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 every day keep in touch with each other and get new events have a lot of disadvantages. In my opinion, its benefits outweigh the drawbacks, as it help loss of distance.

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task response
State your answer more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that the good points are stronger than the bad points, and give two clear reasons.
task response
Develop each main point further. Explain how social media helps people far from home, then explain why this help is more important than the health problems.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The example about students abroad is useful, but “do not own a house due to the high cost of the ticket” is not clear. Say that plane tickets are costly, so video calls help them speak to family.
task response
Make the last paragraph match your view. It should clearly say that the good points are greater because social media makes daily contact and news access easy for people far apart.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph on good points, one paragraph on bad points, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main idea. For example: “The main advantage is that social media helps people stay close over long distances.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Do not join two full ideas only with a comma.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “people use social media every day” in the last paragraph. Use short, clear words such as “this use” or “social media” instead.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear overall view that the good points are stronger.
task response
You include useful ideas about video calls, fast news, health problems, and loss of focus.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “For example”, “Nevertheless”, “Additionally”, and “Therefore”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • facilitate
  • geographically separated
  • fostering
  • connectivity
  • instant communication
  • real-time information
  • misinformation
  • rigorous checks and balances
  • fake news
  • addictive nature
  • detract
  • face-to-face interactions
  • mental health
  • awareness of limitations
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