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Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. others ‚however, believe that school is the palce to learn this. discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, the importance of instilling values in
children
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 has been
emphasized
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emphasised
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.
While
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 some point out that it is mainly the task of
parents
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 at home, others argue that it is the responsibility of
schools
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. Personally, I think that the
role
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 of educating
children
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 is a duty for
parents
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as well as
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 teachers and educators. In
this
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 short essay, I will address both perspectives before presenting my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, the
role
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 of
parents
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 at home cannot be underestimated, as they are
children
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's first teachers and the primary
role
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 models whom they admire and imitate.
Parents
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 usually teach the most basic and fundamental moral rules from an early age, followed by more complex matters
such
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 as respect for others, assertiveness,etc. A study by the University of Arkansas
,
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apply
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 showed that 85% of
children
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 with academic difficulties
,
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apply
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 lived in environments with hostile or absent families.
Therefore
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, the
role
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parents
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 play in a child's upbringing is crucial.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, educational institutions have the mission of shaping and guiding students who will integrate into society.
However
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, many focus solely on providing academic instruction, aiming for a one-dimensional development of the student. In
this
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 regard, it would be expected that
schools
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 have psychologists, workshops, and training aimed at fostering critical thinking, ethics, and student well-being. Personally, I think that, ideally,
this
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 objective should be shared by both
,
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parents
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 and teachers, and pursuing the same goal: to build a person who is able to contribute to society in an
honorable
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honourable
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 way and, at the same time, feel fulfilled.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both the home and
schools
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 hold enormous potential when it comes to a child's development. As
children
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's first mentors,
parents
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 bear a great responsibility, as do
schools
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 and educational institutions, which have a duty to provide practical tools and guidance to help
children
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 overcome personal challenges and shortcomings.

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task response
You discuss both parents and schools, and you give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly what each side can teach. For example, parents can teach daily habits at home, while schools can teach how to work with many different people.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some points need more support. The study about school problems does not directly show how parents teach children to be good members of society. Use an example that is closer to the question, such as parents teaching children to share and schools teaching rules in group work.
task response
Your opinion is present in the introduction and main body. State it in one direct sentence: parents should have the main role, but schools should support them.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, parents, schools, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more naturally. You use 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' well, but the second main paragraph moves from what schools do to what schools should have. Make this change clearer with words such as 'However' or 'For this reason'.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and contain several ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the main point is easier to see. For example, write one sentence about the shared duty and another about the goal for children.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'Personally, I think' more than once. Say your view clearly in the introduction, then develop it in the body.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss both views and give your own opinion.
task response
You give useful main ideas, such as parents being first role models and schools helping students take part in society.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, which helps the reader follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion brings the two sides together and matches your opinion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • social values
  • moral guidance
  • set a good example
  • develop good habits
  • teach basic manners
  • show respect for others
  • take responsibility for one’s actions
  • family environment
  • early childhood
  • cooperate with classmates
  • resolve conflicts peacefully
  • diverse backgrounds
  • citizenship education
  • community involvement
  • shared responsibility
  • play a leading role
  • a structured learning environment
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