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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
These days, public debate has been going on over whether, in many countries, local
people
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 moving to cities has decreased the
population
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 in the
countryside
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. I tend to believe that a decline in the rural
population
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 has a positive impact because it can keep the
countryside
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 safe and clean.
Body paragraph 1
There are several factors that support the idea that a low local
population
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 in the
countryside
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 has a positive impact on development. The most important one is that a decrease in the rural
population
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 in the
countryside
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 may help the economy and tourism industry develop.
That is
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 to say, protecting the environment and providing a quiet atmosphere can help attract local and international tourists.
For instance
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, fewer
people
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 may reduce waste or noise.
Therefore
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,
this
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 can contribute to economic growth.
In addition
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, fewer
people
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 can make the
countryside
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 a better place for rest and relaxation for older
people
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. Older
people
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 may prefer spending time in a quiet place, and they may have an unforgettable experience there.
Lastly
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, some animals that live in the
countryside
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 may feel more comfortable when there are fewer
people
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 around.
Body paragraph 2
I admit that
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 decreasing number of
people
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 who are living in the
countryside
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 may affect development.
In other words
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, a lack of workers in the
countryside
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 may negatively affect agriculture.
For example
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, fewer farmers may lead to lower agricultural production. So, it would cause a low amount of products that the farmland produces. Despite that, I believe that having fewer
people
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 in the
countryside
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 is better for animals, protects nature, and
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 develop the tourism industry.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I would argue that the decline in the rural
population
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 in the
countryside
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 has significant positive effects that outweigh the negative ones.
Overall
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,
this
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 can help protect the environment, provide a better habitat for animals and promote tourism

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task response
Make your main view more exact. You say the move is good, but the main reason should be the good life and work in cities, not only a clean and quiet country side.
task response
Explain both sides in more depth. For example, say how fewer farm workers can lead to less food, higher food cost, and empty villages. Then show clearly why the good side is still stronger.
task response
Use more real and exact examples. Instead of only saying that fewer people mean less waste, give an example of a small farm town where young people leave and farms need new machines or workers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each main part focus on one key point only.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not fully match the question. The point about older people having a nice rest is not as strong as the points about jobs, farming, food, and village life. Add ideas that are more closely linked to people leaving rural areas.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “for example”, “however”, and “as a result” can show the link between ideas more clearly. Do not repeat “in the countryside” too often; use “there” or “rural areas” when clear.
language accuracy
Check verb form and subject-verb match. Write “helps develop the tourism industry”, not “help develop”. Also write “the decreasing number of people” or “the decrease in the number of people”.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
You include both the good and bad effects of people leaving rural areas, which makes your answer more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “For instance”, “In addition”, “Despite that”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
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