IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink contains high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Many manufactured
foods
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 and drinks contain high levels of
sugar
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, which can contribute to various health problems. Some
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people
Punctuation problem
people,
show examples
Linking Words
therefore
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therefore,
show examples
 believe that increasing the price of sugary
products
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 is an effective way to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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. I disagree with
this
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 view because there are more effective ways to address excessive
sugar
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 consumption.
Body paragraph 1
One reason why higher prices may not be an effective solution is that
people
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 often continue to buy sugary
products
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 despite price increases. Many processed
foods
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 and drinks are convenient and widely available,
while
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 some
people
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 may
also
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 develop strong preferences for sweet
foods
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.
Therefore
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, increasing their cost may not significantly change their eating habits.
Instead
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, it could place an additional financial burden on households, particularly those with lower incomes, without addressing the underlying reasons for unhealthy diets.
Body paragraph 2
A more effective approach would be to provide better education about healthy eating. Schools could teach children about the nutritional value of different
foods
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 and the health risks associated with excessive
sugar
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 consumption.
This
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 could help young
people
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 develop healthier eating habits from an early age, which may continue into adulthood.
In addition
Linking Words
, governments could introduce stricter regulations on food manufacturers by requiring them to reduce the amount of
sugar
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 in their
products
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.
This
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 would make healthier choices more accessible to the general population without relying solely on consumers to change their behaviour.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I do not believe that making sugary
products
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 more expensive is the best way to reduce
sugar
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 consumption. Health education and government regulation of food manufacturers would be more effective long-term solutions.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully why a price rise may fail. For example, say that some people may buy less healthy food because it is cheap, fast, and easy to find.
task response
The two main ideas are good, but they need one or two more real examples. You could mention sugar taxes in drinks, clear sugar labels, or limits on ads for sweet food for children.
task response
You answer the whole question, but also show that a higher price could help some people. Then explain why it should not be the main plan. This would make your view more fair and more strong.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. Keep this clear plan in future work.
coherence and cohesion
Your link words, such as 'Therefore', 'Instead', and 'In addition', help the reader. You can add clearer links between the two body parts, such as 'As well as education, change is needed from food makers.'
coherence and cohesion
Some points move a little fast. After each main idea, add a short line that shows how the idea leads to less sugar use. This will make each paragraph feel more complete.
task response
You give a clear answer and support it with two useful plans: teaching people about healthy food and asking food makers to cut sugar.
task response
Your ideas stay on the question and do not add extra or off-topic points.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, and the order of ideas is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The ending clearly repeats your main view and brings the essay to a natural close.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufactured foods
  • health implications
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • dental issues
  • excessive consumption
  • tobacco taxation
  • fiscal measures
  • health policy
  • healthcare costs
  • income inequality
  • nutritional education
  • legislation
  • black market
  • subsidizing
  • affordable
  • diet
  • punitive measures
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