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Band 4

Some parents buy a lot of toys for their children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of children having a lot of toys?

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Introduction
Some parents buy a
lot
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 of
toys
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 for their
children
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.
This
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 trend has both advantages and
disadvantages
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss them.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most important advantages is that
children
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 can enjoy their childhood. At
this
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 age,
children
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 should be happy and enjoy their
time
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.
Also
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,
children
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 may have a
lot
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 of free
time
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, so they want to spend
time
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 doing things that make them active.
For example
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, after school,
children
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 sometimes stay at home without doing anything, so some
toys
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 can help them spend their free
time
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. Some
toys
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 may
also
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 develop
children
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's skills,
such
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 as movement, thinking, and other abilities.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 trend
also
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 has some
disadvantages
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. One of the most important
disadvantages
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 is that
children
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 may not care about their studies.
This
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 is because they may only want to enjoy their
time
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 and have fun.
For example
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,
children
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 may have some quizzes at school, so they should study, but there can be distractions
such
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 as
toys
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 and video games. Having a
lot
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 of
toys
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 may
also
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 reduce
children
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's concentration.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 buying a
lot
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 of
toys
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 for
children
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 has some advantages, it
also
Linking Words
 has some
disadvantages
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.
Children
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 can have fun during their childhood and improve their skills.
However
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, they may become less interested in their studies and have problems with concentration.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: good points and bad points. To make your answer stronger, give more detail about why each point happens and what it can lead to.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: toys can make children happy and help them learn, but too many toys can take time from study. Add one more clear idea, such as children may not value toys when they have too many.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they are quite general. Make them more real and clear. For example, name a kind of toy and say how it helps a child learn or play with others.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, good points, bad points, and ending. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one main idea, then explain it, and then give an example. In the first body part, the ideas about fun, free time, and skills could be linked more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use “Also”, “For example”, and “On the other hand” well. You can also use “As a result”, “In addition”, and “This means that” to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying “one of the most important advantages” and “one of the most important disadvantages” more than once. Use shorter, more direct topic sentences.
task response
You stay on the topic all the way through and discuss both the good and bad sides.
task response
The point that some toys can help with movement and thinking is useful and fits the question well.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear purpose, so the reader can follow your ideas easily.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending sums up both sides of the essay clearly.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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