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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experienc

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Introduction
The issue of whether
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take care of old
people
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 and provide financial
support
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 after they retire has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some
people
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 believe that it is benefical idea,
while
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 others argue that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that the
government
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 should take care of old
people
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 and provide
finanical
Correct your spelling
financial
support
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 after their own retirement.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate for providing
finanical
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financial
support
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 to old
people
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 after they retire argue that it
is
Verb problem
apply
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assists an eldery
people
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 who don`t have adult children.
For instance
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,if an old woman
retire
Correct subject-verb agreement
retires
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 and does not have adult children,she cannot afford essential things for daily life.
In addition
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,many elderly
people
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 live in rented accommodation,so they have to pay rent regularly.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that the
government
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 should not provide
finanical
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financial
support
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 to old
people
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 emphasise that
the
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apply
show examples
individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement .
For example
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,if a man
have
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has
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 a high salary ,
ha
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he
 can save it and use it if he
retire
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retires
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.
In addition
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,many
people
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 think that the
government
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 should
that
Verb problem
use that
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 money to help
poverty
Replace the word
poor
people
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 .
For instance
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,if a poor
people
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 need to be alive,the
government
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 can give them money.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that the
government
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 should provide
finanaical
Correct your spelling
financial
support
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 to old
people
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.The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that providing money to old
people
Use synonyms
are
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is
show examples
 helpful.

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task response
You answer both views and give your own view. However, your main reason is too short. Explain why some old people cannot save enough, such as low pay, poor health, or time out of work.
task response
Make your own view more clear in the body. Say that the state should give basic help, but people who can save should also plan for old age. This will make your answer more full and fair.
task response
Your examples are very general. Add one clear example from your life or from someone you know. For example, write about an older family member who had low pay and needed help with rent or food.
task response
Some ideas need more care. Old people without children may still have savings, and people with high pay may still have big costs. Explain these points instead of making them seem true for all people.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each body part focus on one main idea and then explain it fully.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Do not begin every new point with “For instance” or “In addition”. You can also use “As a result”, “This means that”, and “For this reason”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. After saying that old people pay rent, explain why this shows that state help is needed.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same long phrase many times. Use shorter words such as “state help”, “retired people”, or “older people” after you have said the full idea once.
task response
You discuss both sides of the question and clearly state your own view in the start and the end.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up”.
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