IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development, while others think that other factors such as television, friend, music have the biggest effects. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

5.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In
this
Linking Words
 modern era, it is undeniable that
children
Use synonyms
 are the future of every nation. Some individuals believe that
families
Use synonyms
 play a significant role in a child’s
development
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
television
Use synonyms
, friend and music have a big influence on
children
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will give my opinion
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and discuss both views with my thoughts by providing some reasons to support them.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
families
Use synonyms
 help in
children
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
 by teaching them ethical and moral values. To illustrate, in
families
Use synonyms
, older
people
Use synonyms
 have more life experience, and they teach their next generation how to behave with other
people
Use synonyms
 to survive in
this
Linking Words
 world.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the old generation
also
Linking Words
 teaches their sons or grandsons their traditional values , by which they become mature faster than their age.
For instance
Linking Words
, my grandfather used to live with us, and he taught me how to communicate with older
people
Use synonyms
, and
this
Linking Words
 skill helped me to get my job in my older days. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 because these days the
development
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 is to become successful in their careers and enhance their communication
skills
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
television
Use synonyms
 and friends play a bigger role in the
development
Use synonyms
 of the young generation because , by watching
television
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 understand technology in their early days, and
this
Linking Words
 helps them to enhance their cognitive
skills
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 spend time with their friends, they usually talk about their future careers or share their problems with each other, which helps them to improve their communication
skills
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, as per a recent report by the
Children
Use synonyms
 Welfare Department of India, 60% of
children
Use synonyms
 who spend their quality time in technology
such
Linking Words
 as computers or televisions become more successful in their lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some believe that
families
Use synonyms
 are very helpful in
children
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
, I disagree with that because
families
Use synonyms
 never aid
children
Use synonyms
 to become successful in their careers.
Television
Use synonyms
 and friends have more influence on
children
Use synonyms
’s
development
Use synonyms
 because they help to enhance their cognitive and communication
skills
Use synonyms
 for their personal
development
Use synonyms

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both sides and give your view, so you answer all parts of the task. However, your view is not fully clear. You say family teaching helped you get a job, but then you say you disagree with the family view. Make your main view clear from the start and keep it the same.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain why family values matter for long-term growth, and explain why friends, TV, and music may also shape a child. Be careful not to say families never help children become successful, because this is too strong and does not fit your first body paragraph.
task response
Your example about your grandfather is personal and clear, but it works against your final view. Either use it to support the family side, or add a clear reason why other factors still have a stronger effect.
task response
The report from India is not well linked to the point about friends and music. It also says technology makes children successful, which is a very broad claim. Use a more direct example, such as friends helping children learn teamwork, or good TV shows teaching useful facts.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the link between ideas smoother. Start each body paragraph with one clear main point and then explain it before giving an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and join too many ideas with commas. Break them into shorter sentences. For example, write one sentence for the main idea, one for the reason, and one for the example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' are used well. However, do not use 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' unless the new sentence clearly adds to the last point.
coherence and cohesion
Make key words more exact and keep them the same. Use 'children's development' or 'child development' throughout. Also, use 'friends' rather than 'friend' when you mean more than one person.
task response
You address both the family view and the view that TV and friends affect children. You also give your own position in the essay.
task response
You include examples to support your points, including a family example and a report-based example.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion' to show the order of your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary influence
  • development
  • instill values
  • norms
  • emotional foundation
  • social skills
  • role modeling
  • socioeconomic status
  • opportunities
  • resources
  • external factors
  • peer influence
  • teenage years
  • impact mood
  • cultural understanding
  • environment
  • role models
  • social media
  • shaping modern childhoods
What to do next:
Look at other essays: