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Band 5.5

In today's digital era many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantages of owning smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
NOWADAYS, TECHINCAL ERA, MOST INDIVIDUALS HAVE A MOBILE
PHONE
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. IT WILL HELP THEM IN DAY-TO-DAY
LIFE
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. MOST OF PEOPLE TOTAL DEPEND ON PHONES FOR THEIR DAILY
LIFE
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 ACTIVITIES. IT WILL
HAVING
Wrong verb form
HAVE A
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 GOOD IMPACT AND A BAD IMPRESSION ON A PERSON'S
LIFE
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. THE
FURTHER
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 DISCUSSION WAS DISCUSSED IN THE GIVEN PARAGRAPH.
Body paragraph 1
TO COMMENCE , SMARTPHONE PLAYS A VERY CRUCIAL ROLE IN PERFORMING DAILY ACTIVITIES. AS, IT HELPED IN PROVIDING DIRECTIONS, SOLVING PROBLEMS OR ENTERTAINMENT
ALSO
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.
FOR INSTANCE
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, IN 2004, AN AIRTCLE WAS PUBLISHED ON FAMOUS NEWSAPAPER "THE HINDUSTAN TIMES", A SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ON PEOPLES HAVING TOUCH SCREEN
PHONE
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 AND KEYPAD
PHONE
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, PERSON HAVING SMART
PHONE
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 A RE MORE ADVANCED AND READY TO EASE PROBLEM RATHER THAN BUTTON ONE . THE RATE SHOWED 75% MORE ACTIVE BRAIN CELLS IN A TOUCH SCREEN
PHONE
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 THAN
HANDED
Correct article usage
A HANDED
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 ONE.
IN ADDITION
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,IT WILL
ALSO
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 HELP YPUNG GENERATION TO FETCH OUT NEW KNOWLEDGE THROUGH MULTIPLE SITES.
Body paragraph 2
ON THE OTHER HAND
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, SOMETIME PERSON USED MOBILE FOR INAPPRORIATE WORK.
IN ADDITION
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, IT WILL
ALSO
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 EFFECT BAD IMPACT ON THE CHILD'S
HEALTH
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 IF IT IS USED CONTINUALLY.
FOR EXAMPLE
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, IN 2001, THE WORLD
HEALTH
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 ORGANISATION
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 SHARED DATA REGARDING
,
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apply
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 "IMPACTS OF PHONES ON CHILDREN'S
HEALTH
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" SHOWS THAT YOUNG CHILDREN FACE EYESITE PROBLEM IN A VERY YOUNG AGE , ALMOST 45% COMAPRING WITH NON-USER CHILDREN. APART FROM THAT, PEOPLE IN RECENT YEAR USES
THIS
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 FOR BLACKMAIL PURPOSES, WHICH INCREASES THE CRIME RATE AMONG THE INDIVIDUALS.
Conclusion
IN CONCLUSION, HAVING A DIGITAL DEVICES HAVE BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE EFFECTS. BUT DISADVANTAGES SHOWS MORE GROWTH RATE THAN THE ADVANTAGES.
IN ADDITION
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, LONGER USE WILL
ALSO
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 IMPACT ON THE
HEALTH
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 OF YOUNG AND ADULT PEOPLE
LIFE
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.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first part. Say if the good points are stronger or the bad points are stronger, and keep this same view to the end.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain how phones help people with work, maps, study, and contact. Then explain why too much phone use can harm health or lead to crime.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The news and health facts in this essay are hard to trust and are not fully explained. A simple example from daily life would be better.
task response
Answer the exact question more directly. You discuss both sides, but the essay needs a clear reason why one side is greater than the other.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, good points, bad points, and conclusion. Your essay has this plan, but the first part should be clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “One main good point is that smartphones make daily tasks easier.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. Do not use “In addition” too many times.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and clearer. Some sentences have many ideas, so the meaning is hard to follow. Give one idea, explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Check the conclusion. It should repeat your main view in a clear way, such as: “Overall, the disadvantages are greater because health and safety problems can be serious.”
task response
You include both good and bad points of owning a smartphone.
task response
You give ideas about daily help, learning, health, and crime.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “For instance”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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