IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Elderly
people
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 should not get any
care
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 or financial support from the government, as it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for
retirement
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 and support themselves. I strongly disagree with
this
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 opinion. Many elderly
people
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 cannot afford to save for
retirement
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 or
care
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 for themselves
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 ultimately become a problem for the younger generations.
Firstly
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, it is hard for most
people
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 to save
money
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 for
retirement
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 when they work low-income jobs. With rising inflation, many individuals struggle to afford groceries, let alone save for
retirement
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.
This
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 makes them unable to
care
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 for themselves after retiring. If they can’t work after
retirement
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 or save up the needed
money
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 to get by, old
people
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 have to resort to other options available to them.
This
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 includes begging on the streets, asking for
money
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 from their children, and, in the worst cases, stealing
money
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 to buy food. Ultimately,
this
Linking Words
 doesn’t solve any problems but just relocates them to young
people
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 who have to look out for their own
retirement
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, many elderly
people
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 need
care
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 for everyday tasks and help to survive in our fast-moving world. Whether it is just cooking tasks or answering important letters, many
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
people
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 don't have the physical or mental strength to manage daily tasks.
In addition
Linking Words
,
care
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 homes cost a lot of
money
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, which is a problem mentioned in the previous paragraph and
therefore
Linking Words
 not an option for most.
Moreover
Linking Words
, not everyone has children, and often the younger generations can’t take
care
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 of their parents without sacrificing their own lives. In conclusion, the elderly don’t have the ability to
care
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 for themselves in old age, and without help, they will slowly die in their homes without being able to seek help. If the government doesn’t support the older population, many problems will arise, which have to be solved by the younger generations.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it is much cheaper to invest in
care
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 for the elderly than to leave them on their own. I believe that without the government helping their retired workforce, it will heavily affect the economy and the motivation of young
people
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 to work.

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task response
Make sure to clearly outline your main points in your introduction to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more connectives in your paragraphs to link your ideas and make them flow better.
task response
Add specific examples to each point to support your ideas and make your argument stronger.
task response
You presented a clear opinion and maintained a consistent argument throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs were organized and covered relevant points about the needs of elderly people.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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