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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that social media has a negative effect on people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Recently, some
people
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contemplate
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have contemplated
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 that social
media
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imposes
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has
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 a negative effect on them. I totally agree with
this
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 perspective, as social
media
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 has some limitations when
people
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 communicate with other
people
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 and its impact on
people
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's lifestyle may impair the
quality
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 of interaction under some situations and their health.
Body paragraph 1
With the widespread use of social
media
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, it has been common for individuals to spend a huge amount of time on them, which enormously altered their life style and the way they communicate with other
people
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. Currently, some social
media
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such
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 as Wechat and Facebook, have developed into a function hub, incoporating message, entertainment, online payment, information search together, allowing
people
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 to satisfy most of their needs without leaving their home. In
this
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 sense, it greatly changed
people
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's lifestyle. Some of them immerse into the virtual world, holding the devices with the same posture for a long time. It encourages sedentary behaviors, hugely increaseing the risk of some potential diseases
such
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 as obsity, physical pain, and heart-related diseases.
Besides
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, it ma
Body paragraph 2
Besides
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, its demerits may lie in the potential to impair the communicative
quality
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 with other
people
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. Admittedly, it allows
people
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 from
long-distance
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long distances
 to
achieve
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communicate
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 in time communication, regardless of the constraint of geographic
limitation
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limitations
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.
However
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, no like in person interactions that enable
people
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 to express their emotions through not only words, but
also
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 nouns, facial expressions, and body languages. What is more, listeners
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also can
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can also
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 provide them with effective
feed-back
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feedback
 and accurate reactions, which will definitely improve the
quality
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 of communication and
further
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 strengthen their emotional bonds. By way of contrast, social
media
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 limits the whole exchange of information
due to
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 constraints
such
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 as delays,
quality
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 of connections, conventional expressions, and naive emoji under some situations, stopping the interaction at a superfacial level.
Conclusion
In conclusion, social
media
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 brings potential risks on human's health and may weaken the
quality
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 of communication with other
people
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. For certain reasons, I am in favour of the assertion that social
media
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 imposes a negative influence on us.

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task response
State your view clearly, then give two full reasons. Your two main ideas are health and talk with others, but each one needs a clearer link to why social media is bad.
task response
Develop the health point with one clear example. For example, say how hours on a phone can lead to less sleep, less sport, and body pain.
task response
Finish the cut-off sentence in the first body part. The part ending with “Besides, it ma” makes the idea feel unfinished.
task response
Give a more balanced reply to the good side of social media. Then explain why its bad side is still stronger in your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: start with your view, give one body part on health, give one body part on face-to-face talk, and end by restating your view.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body part moves from time online to many uses of apps, then to health. Make these steps more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words with care. “Besides” is used twice, and the second use comes after an unfinished line. Try “First,” “Also,” “However,” and “As a result.”
coherence and cohesion
Make some long sentences shorter. This will make your meaning easier to follow, especially in the second body part.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words for people and things. For example, write “face-to-face talk” instead of “in person interactions,” and make sure each “it” clearly means social media.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view in the end.
task response
You choose two relevant ideas: health risks and weaker real-life talk.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast well when you show that social media helps people far away but may not match face-to-face talk.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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