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Writing Samples
Band 5

Professional worker like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entartainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that professions like doctors, nurses and teachers should be paid more than the
atheletes
Correct your spelling
athletes
 and any other famous personnel from
entertainment
Correct article usage
the entertainment
show examples
 industry. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because there is
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 minute
amount
Use synonyms
 of individuals out of big number of population who get paid
decent
Rephrase
decently
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
sports
Correct article usage
the sports
show examples
 or entertainment sector.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should not see all the artists and athletes equally. The majority
number
Check wording
apply
show examples
of
people
Use synonyms
 in these sectors are struggling for years and would barely be able to make a living. Even if they get famous, they have
couple
Correct article usage
a couple
show examples
 of years of their prime where they have to make money for their whole life.
For example
Linking Words
, a
sports
Use synonyms
 person in
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of games can only play until 35 years
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 after that they gradually
seen
Wrong verb form
seem
show examples
 to be in decline.
Hence
Linking Words
,
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
 number of former
atheletes
Correct your spelling
athletes
 get broke and can be seen working regular jobs.
Body paragraph 2
Another reason
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
famous artists and athletes
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 rich is that they bring business to the table. That being said, event organisers make
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
amount
Use synonyms
 of money out of music concerts, movies and
sports
Use synonyms
 matches.
Therefore
Linking Words
, these famous
celeberities
Correct your spelling
celebrities
 get paid
according to
Linking Words
 their popularity among the
audiance
Correct your spelling
audience
.
Body paragraph 3
Whereas
Linking Words
, professions like doctors and teachers earn decent pay
through out
Correct your spelling
throughout
 their lives. These sectors have less
probabilities
Check wording
probability
show examples
 of ever going broke or out of jobs. Some specialised doctors can make
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
amount
Use synonyms
 of money from every surgery they perform. On top of it, they get more acceptance and respect from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
while
Linking Words
 most of the artists and
Use synonyms
sports man
Check wording
sportsmen
show examples
 would not.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
 judge these famous personalities
from
Change preposition
based on
show examples
 their popularity
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 they tend to ignore their
struggle
Check wording
struggles
show examples
 behind it. All these
celeberities
Correct your spelling
celebrities
 get paid
according to
Linking Words
 the
amount
Use synonyms
 of revenue they generate with their shows, movies or
athelicism
Correct your spelling
athletics
.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree. However, explain more fully why pay should be based on money made, not only on how much a job helps society. This will make your main view stronger.
task response
The first body part has a useful point about short sports careers. But be careful with big claims such as many former sports people going broke. Give one clear example, or use softer words such as “some” or “many may”.
task response
The part about doctors and teachers needs more balance. Some doctors are paid very well, but many nurses and teachers are not. Say this clearly, as the question names all three jobs.
task response
Add a short answer to the other side: doctors, nurses, and teachers do very important work and should have fair pay. Then explain why you still do not think famous people must be paid less.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, reasons, other view, and ending. Keep this shape, but make each body part start with one direct main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. For example, after saying sports stars have short careers, explain more directly how this affects their high pay. Use simple links such as “Because of this”, “Also”, and “However”.
coherence and cohesion
The last body part says doctors and teachers earn decent pay for all their lives. This repeats an idea but does not fully connect it to your main view. End the part by saying why this means their pay does not need to be higher than all sports and film stars.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for each group. For example, choose “sports stars and entertainers” instead of changing between “artists”, “celebrities”, and “famous personnel”. This will make the essay easier to follow.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the opening to the end.
task response
Your point that famous people can bring large amounts of money to events, films, and games is relevant and useful.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear parts, and the ending returns to your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Firstly”, “For example”, “Therefore”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow the main order of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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