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Band 4.5

Recently, abortion increased rapidly and becomes a controversial topic. Some people suppose that abortion should be legal while others are against it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
The abortion cases are increasing
repidly
Correct your spelling
rapidly
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years. Some
people
Use synonyms
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that
this
Linking Words
 is
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 change in a
scoiety
Correct your spelling
society
 because it gives parents a chance to reconsider their
decison
Correct your spelling
decision
 to bring the baby in
this
Linking Words
 world.
While
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 others would contradict
this
Linking Words
 statement by pointing out that
people
Use synonyms
 would misuse
this
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 law by doing gender determination before birth
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 irresponsible behaviour from the young kids.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, having a kid is a big responsibility
and
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, and
show examples
 the parents should be
matured
Replace the word
mature
 enough to provide for the baby. Abortions can give a couple
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to think about the
accountablity
Correct your spelling
accountability
 they are going to have with a
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
. They should question themselves like, 'Are they mature enough?' '
if
Capitalize the word
If
show examples
 they have enough resources to provide for a child?'
.
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
For example
Linking Words
, France is the first country to legalise
the
Check wording
abortion
show examples
abortions
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abortions,
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 followed by
Canda
Correct your spelling
Canada
 and other
Europian
Correct your spelling
European
 nations.
Hence
Linking Words
, the outcome is positive as the number of orphans and
a
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apply
show examples
single
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
 has decreased. It helped
specially
Use the right word
especially
show examples
 with the cases of young kids, where they get pragnency in their early stage of life without having a sense of reponsibility it needs to be a parent. They don't think or act right because of their age
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 providing
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right to abort can be life saver for them.
Body paragraph 2
Meanwhile, in some developing countries like Nepal, India and China,
population
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the population
show examples
emphasizes more on having a baby boy
Correct word order
emphasises having a baby boy more
show examples
 than
the
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a
show examples
 girl to be their
righteous hier
Correct your spelling
rightful heir
. They act so
desperate
Rephrase
desperately
show examples
 to get a boy that they end up indulging in a crime like pre-determination of
womb
Correct article usage
the womb
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 if
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 a girl than they force a mother for abortaion.
For instance
Linking Words
, gender reveal is a crime and banned in India
due to
Linking Words
 these reasons
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in
west
Correct article usage
the West
show examples
,
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apply
show examples
 celebrate the ceremony. Many nations are dealing with
serious
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a serious
show examples
 problem of
increasing
Correct article usage
an increasing
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a number
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gender
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 gap between
male
Check wording
males
show examples
 and females in many regions.
Body paragraph 3
However
Linking Words
, maybe a small 2 days trail can benefit in identifying whether a couple should be allowed to have
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 abortion by considering all the factors like age, health, career and
dependecy
Correct your spelling
dependency
 on a partner. A small bench of jury can guide them and help them reconsider their decision for their better future.
Conclusion
In conclusion, abortions should not be acceptable in every case and country. That being said, it is not ideal to
legalize
Change the spelling
legalise
show examples
 where
people
Use synonyms
 are still
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
taboo
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 having a male
kid
Punctuation problem
kid,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 in
a
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apply
show examples
developed
countries
Punctuation problem
countries,
show examples
 a small
trail
Use the right word
trial
show examples
 of parents would help.

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. Say at the start if you think abortion should be legal, legal only in some cases, or not legal. Keep this same view in the whole essay.
task response
Discuss both sides in a more fair way. Explain why some people support abortion and why others do not. Then give your own view with clear reasons.
task response
Be careful with facts about countries. The points about France, Canada, and fewer single mothers need proof. If you are not sure, use a simple general example instead.
task response
Your last main idea about a two-day trial and a jury is not well explained. Say who would be in this group, what they would do, and why this would help.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph for the legal side, one paragraph for the side against it, your own view, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main point. The first body paragraph moves between parents, young people, laws, and country facts. Split or cut ideas so the point is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words with care: 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', 'However', and 'In conclusion'. Do not use 'Meanwhile' when you are starting the other view.
coherence and cohesion
Write sentences that are shorter and more direct. For example, change 'They should question themselves like' to 'They should ask themselves whether they are ready to care for a child.'
language
Check common spelling and word form errors, such as 'rapidly', 'society', 'believe', 'decision', 'pregnancy', 'responsibility', 'Canada', and 'abortion'.
task response
You cover both views: abortion may help people who are not ready for a child, but it may also be used for sex choice.
task response
You give a clear final view that laws should depend on the situation and the country.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This gives it a clear basic shape.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples from different countries to support your points, which helps make the ideas less general.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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