IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

7.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Many people say that primary schools often focus the most on formal education. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion because today , many schools have adopted new learning systems different from the past.
In addition
Linking Words
, I think that it is crucial for children to play
as well as
Linking Words
 to learn in the classroom.
Body paragraph 1
In the past, schools were very unsimilar to how they are today. Teachers were more severe , and often students used to fear them. Nowadays,
this
Linking Words
 has changed; primary centres now have new systems in which children are more involved and are more enjoyable for them. Teachers show how to act in different situations of life, teach survival skills or even talk about life with the pupils.
For example
Linking Words
, my little cousin , who is a primary student, told me that in his class they learn by playing , which is very different to old learning systems.
Body paragraph 2
In my opinion, playing in the classroom is very important for young students, obviously not all day, but having little entertainment moments is crucial. In fact, the brain of a child is very different from that of an adult. Children always want to play , but they are
also
Linking Words
 very curious and ready to learn new things. If these two characteristics are put together, the process of learning for a pupil would be much easier for both the child and the teacher.
For instance
Linking Words
, a study made by the University of Education of Madrid states that 85% of kids who learn by playing are more efficient.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I disagree with the idea of educational centres focusing too much on formal education;
furthermore
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that playing in class is one of the best options for teaching pupils.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Answer both parts clearly, as you do now. Your view is clear, but the first part needs more care. Explain why some schools may still focus too much on formal work, then show why you do not agree.
Task response
Make your main ideas more full. For example, say that play can help children stay happy, work with others, solve small problems, and learn new things in a natural way.
Task response
Use examples that are easy to trust. The story about your cousin works well. For the study, give more detail or use a less exact claim, because the reader cannot check the number.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make the flow better, begin each body part with one clear main idea and keep all the next sentences on that idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “For example”, “In fact”, and “To conclude” are helpful, but do not use too many. Also, make the link between old schools and schools now clearer.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not fully clear. For example, “primary centres now have new systems in which children are more involved and are more enjoyable for them” can be made simpler: “Primary schools now use methods that involve children more and make learning more enjoyable.”
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two short sentences when needed. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
Task response
You give a clear personal view from the start and answer the question about play in the classroom.
Task response
Your example about your cousin is relevant and helps show how learning through play can work.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use several useful linking phrases, such as “Nowadays”, “For example”, and “To conclude”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: