IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say patriotism causes problems and is negative overall. Others feel that it is beneficial for society at large. Do the advantages of patriotism outweigh its disadvantages?

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Introduction
Patriotism
Use synonyms
 brings benefits
as well as
Linking Words
 problems.
Although
Linking Words
 some zealous patriotic citizens being negative to
migrants
Use synonyms
 is a disadvantage, I believe the advantages of a more united and solicitous society outweigh these drawbacks.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, sometimes
patriotism
Use synonyms
 can be developed in an extreme form
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 often leads to abhorring
migrants
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 occurs
because
Punctuation problem
because,
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 negatively inclined by government propaganda
citizens
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, citizens
show examples
 are afraid of losing their cultural heritage
and
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, and
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,
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apply
show examples
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
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 they make the life of
migrants
Use synonyms
 harder.
For example
Linking Words
, many elderly people in Russia who watch TV on a daily basis display a more adverse attitude towards migrant delivermen and cleaners, even though these non-citizens make the
country
Use synonyms
 a more comfortable and cleaner place to live.
However
Linking Words
, I believe
this
Linking Words
 issue is not that represented and covers only a small
amount
Check wording
portion
show examples
 of the population .
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
patriotism
Use synonyms
 reinforces a sense of duty towards one’s own
country
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, its development, and prosperity.
This
Linking Words
 leads to a more conscious community which protects assets of the
country
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such
Linking Words
 as nature, culture and other valuable and unique
to
Correct word order
resources to this region
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this
Linking Words
 region's resources.
This
Linking Words
 is because patriotic citizens are aware of the rich history and culture of their
country
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 and are considerate towards their unique literature, art and nature.
For instance
Linking Words
, every school in Russia has a mandatory lesson about
patriotism
Use synonyms
 every week
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in these
classes
Add a comma
classes,
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 students clean adjacent areas from garbage and listen to distinguished Russian composers.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 extreme forms of
patriotism
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 bring some issues with
migrants
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, I believe
its
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 benefits of
conscious
Correct article usage
a conscious
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 society contributing to a flourishing
country
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 make it a positive development
overall
Linking Words
.

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task response
Make your main view even clearer in the first paragraph: say that the good points are stronger than the bad points. Then compare the two sides more directly in the body paragraphs.
task response
Develop the good side with one more clear result. For example, explain how people who care for public places, art, and nature can make life better for all people in the country.
task response
Be careful with broad claims about people in one country. Your Russia example is clear, but explain that it is only one case and does not show how all people think.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, bad side, good side, and ending. Keep this shape, because it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are hard to follow. Break them into two shorter sentences, especially in the first body paragraph. This will make the links between cause and result clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links when you move from an idea to its result. For example: “As a result,” “For this reason,” and “This can lead to...”.
coherence and cohesion
The final sentence repeats your view well. Make it stronger by naming both main good points and the one main bad point in a simple contrast.
task response
You answer the question fully and give a clear view that patriotism is good overall.
task response
You give relevant examples for both sides, including a real-life school example.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, and the use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” makes the two sides easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending match well, so the essay feels complete.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fosters
  • sense of belonging
  • strengthening societal bonds
  • instills
  • pride and loyalty
  • excessive
  • nationalism
  • intolerance
  • discrimination
  • conflict
  • blind allegiance
  • flawed policies
  • unifying force
  • crisis
  • manipulated
  • political leaders
  • division
  • advocating
  • responsibility
  • civic duty
  • engaged
  • informed citizenship
  • balanced and inclusive
  • cultural diversity
  • marginalize
  • minority groups
  • stifle dissent
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