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Band 5

In many parts of the world, people are increasingly choosing to wear modern, international styles of clothing rather than their traditional garments. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

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Introduction
In recent decades, people have started following global fashion trends that lead to more modern,
Western style
Correct your spelling
Western-style
 apparel over traditional cultural clothes.
While
Linking Words
this
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 trend offers significant benefits in terms of practicality and economic stability, it is a serious threat to cultural heritage and identity.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the widespread
of
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apply
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production of modern clothes brings clear
practial
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practical
 and economic advantages. International styles,
such
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 as jeans, t-shirts, and
bussiness
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business
 suits, are made for comfort, mobility, and daily functionality
making
Punctuation problem
, making
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 them more adaptable to the modern workplace.
Furthermore
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,
due to
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 the easy mass production and
globalized
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globalised
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 transport and manufacturing, everyone has access to contemporary attire
that is
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 generally more affordable than traditional clothing. Traditional clothing often requires precise
hand crafted
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handcrafted
 beading, expensive fabrics, and complex designs, making the daily wear financially impractical for many people.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the drawback of wearing attire like
that is
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 a cause for loss of cultural identity and traditional heritage. Garments are a visual representation of a culture,
nation's
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a nation's
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 history, and old
craftmanship
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craftsmanship
. When people abandon their traditional way of dressing in
favor
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favour
show examples
 of looking "modern", local textile industries,
as well as
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 old techniques of
sewing
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sewing,
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 are at risk to disappear.
Furthermore
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, the
globalized
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globalised
show examples
 modern look is one way to destroy the distinct look of each culture, weakening the visual diversity that defines a cultural society.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the growing
preferance
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preference
 for
modenized
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modernised
 clothing has its benefits regarding cost, comfort and everyday functionality.
However
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, it
simultaniously
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simultaneously
 decreases the cultural diversity and undermines the historical
craftsmenship
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craftsmanship
.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question well. To make the answer stronger, explain the good and bad sides with one more clear example. For example, say how cheap clothes can help a student or worker, and how old clothes can help keep a group’s history alive.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: modern clothes are cheap and easy to wear, but they can harm culture. Add a little more detail about why people choose these clothes, such as work rules, travel, or social pressure.
task response
Be careful with wide claims. Instead of saying one global look can destroy each culture’s look, say it can make cultural differences less easy to see. This is more fair and clear.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, good side, bad side, and ending. Keep this strong shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use 'Furthermore' two times. You can also use 'In addition', 'As a result', or 'For this reason' when they fit the idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make some long sentences easier to read. For example, split the sentence about mass production, transport, and manufacturing into two shorter sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and spelling because they can slow the reader down: 'widespread production', 'practical', 'business', 'preference', 'modernised/modernized', 'simultaneously', and 'craftsmanship'.
task response
You give a balanced answer and clearly show both the good and bad sides of the trend.
task response
The examples of jeans, T-shirts, suits, hand work, and costly cloth make your ideas easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one clear main idea, and the ending sums up your view well.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'Furthermore', and 'However' help the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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